AA is for quitters

So yeah, I had my first AA meeting yesterday.
I don't think I need it but it was okay. What I mean by needing it, is I have a great support system already, but I have to go.
I guess I just don't understand how you can be court ordered to go by a judge when you pray to God, say the Lord's Prayer and stuff.....in a nation where we have Freedom of Religion.
Oh well, anyway it was ok.
And not like I am an Atheist.
My oldest son shows signs of being an Atheist and it kind of worries me. But his writing is awesome....as well as his artwork.
This dude asked me yesterday how I felt about my drug and alcohol eval, I said it was depressing.
I know I used my drinking alot as an inspiration to write, now I just have to find that groove without the alcohol....did anyone see it laying around anywhere?

If so please return it, it's probably at the bottom of a bottle.

Twitterpated

I just realized that I am 37 and that it is not too old to be twitterpated. Brother if you are reading this....yeah so?
And thanks for making me an aunty again...hope it's a girl.

Well, Nancy....

Ok that is what my uncle says to get on my nerves...and he says it in a Ronald Reagan voice....so Nancy here in a nutshell is what is going on with me.
Testing out sobriety, first because I had to now because I want to, never realized hangovers are harsh. Lost 200 lbs of dead loser weight. Broke up with a loser who only had me at his level.
I am facing some shit right now I would rather not talk about.....yet.
I am still me, despite everything. Despite how weak I made myself in the past, I knew I was strong and I still am. thanks for still reading, if you are still there.
Mama's back, this time new and improved.
I'm through with this being lost shit.
Wait till my internet is back up at home, y'all be sick of me.

respectfully

Dana Dane


Thanks to Mike S in Maine for emailing me this quote, I love it.

"A man can fail many times, but he isn't a failure until he begins to blame somebody else."
~John Burroughs

The Garden

A long time ago, when I was a little girl, my grandma's yard was dirt. Not any old dirt but that sticky, white, gumbo clay that rez cars like to get stuck in.

Then when I was about 7 or 8 she decided to grow grass and plant trees. I would watch her tend to it and ask her anxiously when the trees would grow big so I can have a swing. She would laugh at me and say by the time they were that big, I would be too old to swing. I would be lucky to sit under thier shade at the age of 18.

Despite everyone telling her that gumbo can't grow grass, she still did it. She would proudly sit in her lawn, amongst her flowers and battle dandelions and clover. My uncles used to tease her that the front yard looked like a circus because of the lawn ornaments. One year she even had a windmill in the front yard.

As she grew older, she took less interest in her lawn, maybe it was too many takojas, maybe she grew tired with age and none of us noticed because she always seemed invincible. She would always talk of having a vegetable garden, though...someday, she would say. She wanted corn, tomatoes and the works. Basically everything to make her own salsa. She never planted that garden.
Instead, last spring, my Uncle Jerry planted a garden. It was almost the who;le side of his lawn. Boy, my Grandma was fired up.
Did you see your Uncle's garden? she would say as she did a drive by of his house. You just wait until fall, we will have a big cookout from just that garden. She would drive by and say "Look, just look, it's a bloomin'."
She was so proud of his garden and talked of making salsa from it all the time.
If you read me regularly, which I know I don't write as much or if you know me, then you know that my grandma passed away last July.
She never saw the fruits of my Uncle Jerry's labor or ate anything from that garden.
My uncle still made salsa and gave me a jar last fall. When I ate it, I imagined her saying it was the best salsa in the world. I pictured her letting tomatoes ripen on her windowsill from that garden, like I did.
He planted another garden this year. So did I, but mine is small and a salsa garden. this is his second year planting it, and this time without her.
She isn't here. But this is a story of life and how, no matter what, we move on, live, love, learn and grow with it.
Like a garden.

What's the matter with your "feel right", baby?

I love that line from the song that is on my video linky thing. So I got to thinking, what's the matter with my 'feel right?"

and wanted to blog it, see I gave up a job that I used to love but it go annoying after awhile plus the lure of my couch and doing my crafts there is awesome. No punching a time clock and my perks are strong ass coffee, TV all day, my couch, my cat, people stop by and visit and what not...it's really cool. I sell my stuff on a daily basis almost but right now am saving up for a BIG SALE.

Anyways here is what is the matter with my feel right, I sit by my front window. Which is great, but some things about my hood annoy me. I look out of it all the time like my cat, My cat watches intently because it's his hood too and he knows what is going on, he rules here. I live in a housing spot called North Ridge, one of the roughest in town but I grew up here so I can walk around the block without getting attacked by any dog except my Uncle Jerr's dog Brownie, who is rumored to have broken someone's arm and I holler "PUSS" at him everytime I see him and send him into Cujo mode.

Now one thing about here on the rez is, no one freakin knocks on doors, for fear of dogs I think is the original thinking or reasoning but it got to a point where everyone is just plain and simple fucking too lazy to get off their asses and knock.

HONK! HONK! HONK! HONK!

I get sick and tired of it because I am busy, and then I hear the annoying honk. I look out across the street or next door and sometimes it's the people that LIVE there beating their horn for someone to come out, peek out or notice that they are annoying the whole neighborhood with the incessant beating of their horn. Sometimes t's two of those motherfuckers about 3 houses away both beating their horns as if in competition as to who will come out the door first. This just bugs the crap out of me, and to make it worse no one here notices because they all think it is normal!! I don't know. *smh* It just bugs me when I see that out my window.

Another thing wrong with my 'feel right' is there is this dude in the hood that lives on top block with all the other crazies (sorry Uncle Jerr) and he ha a nice ass Monte Carlo, he been workin out at the gym and he looks nice ass himself, lost alot of weight, he alright. But his fuckin stereo system in his car, I can hear him round the corner on top block and it's like WTF, my house is shaking from the bass. I have to turn my TV up and I have no remote. Cuz this bitch is drivin all slow through the hood like HEEEEY check me out, I'm fine as hell now. He makes me miss shit I need to hear on news and I curse you Joe G to gain it all back! *points finger at loud slow car*

What fucks with my 'feel right' at night are dogs. The mangy motherfuckers bark all night loud as fuck. It starts from one ends of town, west, and works it's way east in the middle of the night ....EVERY NIGHT. I'm fine with it unless I wake up at like between 3 and 4 and I hear it. Then my boyfriend told me his grandma told him that it was a ghost or somthing that runs through No Bottom Creek from the West to the East and it drives the dogs nuts. Now when I hear them barkin, and hear it get near my hood, I lay awake thinking of that ghost thing running through the creek behind my house, I think of how it could go off track and come through my back yard into my door and sppok the hell out of me and then I hear the dogs barking to the East and I know the ghost didn't get lost but damn I have a hard time going back to bed.



Anyway back to my window, someone is honking outside.

thank me

i was looking for a link that I put in my yahoo 360 blog like forever ago for my son

I read the blogs, then even read my blog on blogger for the past year



you know I am so glad I blog

if I ever get alzheimers everyone can see how nutty I was before that

i laughed, smiled, cried through my blog

and i thanked myself for writing it



if you ever have nothing to do, go back read your blog and thank you

what it do bro?????????

painting by Bunky Echo-Hawk
I was talking to my brother the other day as he was cruising through a poor sectin of town where he lives. He was at a stop when he noticed all these people sitting outside their apartment building around a fire that was in the grill or something. He said they were drinking beers, throwing sticks in the fire, listening to music, he didn't say what music but in my mind I was thinking Bob Seger or Fleetwood Mac. They were laughing and relaxed, just chillin.
He said, you know whats funny? Is that on the oter side of town there's these people that live in a big house with a 30 year morgtage, 2 nice cars in the garage and their teen age kids probably drive nice cars. They probably both work and never see each other so they cheat on each other, their kids are probably in therapy because they have these expectations their parents want them to live up to and they feel they will never measure up to them.
yeah I said. They probably put on a front in public, like the perfect family but the mom drinks in private and the dad cheats on her with some single mom chick thats a waitress at his favorite bar. They probably eat hamburger helper every night just to save money to pay for the perfect life.
I'll stay poor, I told him.
Imma go to the bar he said.
Imma crack a can of beer with my shades drawn so the cops don't see it, but I will think of you at the bar, I said
Later Sis, he said.