I said a couple of weeks ago I was homesick.
One of my bros said "in due time."
He meant, of course, when I get off paper, I can go home.
I can go home now, if I wanted to, but I am scared of messing up....drinking....being driven to drink by the surroundings, yes I am that weak.
Then the more I think of it, do I want to go home? I was there for a few short years and hit bottom....that is all possible always.
So when I say I am homesick, I mean the feeling. Being surrounded by your people, the land, the huge huge beautiful sky that is only that beautiful in the Pine Ridge Rez. The feeling of the culture that is so alive as it was a hundred years ago. I am very proud to be from Pine Ridge and to know that we still have our ways.
But I am also leery of the new ways, the turning to alcohol and drugs because you can't find work, the turning to alcohol and drugs because you did find work....I used every excuse I had until I had no more.
It came down to my addiction.
Yes, I can live on the rez, with my addiction.
The question is, can I do it?
I am not sure about that yet.
I am not sure about moving home yet, not sure of myself yet.
I know things will be different, but that's a given...things change.
Will there ever be those days of sitting around a fire listening to my dad tell stories while we make soup on the fire? I hope so.
Will I ever move into my old house? I don't think so.
Will I ever be able to live there again and still be friends with the ones I was with before? Will I be able to be sober there?
Everything changes all the time, feelings change, things move on....people change. I told a friend the other day, I realized with age, that things changes so much and so fast that if you want to say something, you better say it. Do things you want to and love and live life in the moment....because someday you are going to sit there and realize there is no going back. There is no DeLorean to take you back.
I am happy in this time in my life, if I move, I have my eyes on a small town not far from here....that's if. I fell in love with it.
I am still homesick, yes- I will always miss the rez.
I am also homesick for the past.
But the realization that life changes, was hard but much needed. I am in the moment and loving life as is now.