Thursday, June 30, 2011

Tin roof....rusted.

My brothers were talking about "takin' the rainbow back" the other day.
I think the whole conversation started with us all discussing the name of my mom's wireless
I asked if she named it that because of the fact that she's a hag and she went to one of their concerts. She swears she didn't.
She swears the internet company named it for her.
Anyway, I think all the siblings were a little suspicious.
Then my brother Trav started singing a line from "Love Shack."
We all laughed, and I am almost sure it was me that whispered "gay."
He said "Why is that song associated with gay people?"
I don't know, I said. It just is.
They just took the rainbow, my brother Jesse said. And rainbows are ok.
We might have to start something, take the rainbow back. I said.

Now I would never take the rainbow back. I don't care all that much for rainbows. I just wonder how somethings get associated with gays.
Rainbows, triangles, Judy Garland, antique-ing, Bette Midler, Barbra Streisand, Madonna, wine tasting, Bravo, vintage lamps, velour pants, hair styling, (because who gets their hair done by a chick?) disco, they just took it all.
But to tell you the truth, I've been a hag since I was four years old, so they can have it, I'll just hang right in there with.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Just sayin'

I'm always just sayin' all kinds of shit.
My brother always used to tease me because I write and he said it was just me talkin' shit on paper. LOL.
And I admit, I do. I talk shit. Sometimes, I am merciless. Sometimes, I piss people off. LOL.
Sometimes, I make them think.
Sometimes, I make them see the truth.
Sometimes, I make them laugh, or cry.
I don't mean to, I just talk shit...on paper too.
I even did it in prison, often listening to people, when they needed to be heard. Offering a shoulder or trying to make them laugh somehow.
Sometimes pissing a guard off with baseball trivia and because he was a Yankee hater and t I told him the Yankees were like the big brother to the Twins that always beat them up.
And I told people about me, my life. I told so many people about my life and what is in my heart in my blog. And it has been a blessing to me, for I never needed therapy, although I think I came close.
Now I am opening up another part of my life.
My blue collar bitchiness in writing.
I want people to know what it is like to be a housekeeper.
So as if you don't have enough to's another part of my life in writing. Unfolding...
Not Maid For This Shit: Imagine that: "Work is hard. I don't have to remind anyone of that because it is a crappy job and everyone knows it and that's why no one works it. The pa..."

Friday, June 24, 2011

Soul Scraping

There's always sidewalk trash on my way to work. But this was on the bridge just off the interstate.
I don't know who these people are who can dig that far down to hold a sign like this up for all to see. And know that each one that passes you thinks you're a beggar and worthless and just keeps driving. I mean that's some scraping of the soul right there, putting it all out there and letting all know you have nothing.
I don't even like to ask for change for a dollar.
Coming out of prison, I did some serious soul scraping by going around, applying for jobs, it was see people look at you that way, but you put your head up, get your warrior look so no one fucks with you and move on.
Seeing that sign on the ground gave me mixed feelings, I mean the person must have found food, and hopefully a kind soul, (not some psycho.) And it also made me realize life is tough out there, everywhere.
I am thankful for my job, even if at times they try to kill me. LOL. Thankful for the roof, the water, electricity, and most of all for my family....for without them, I would surely have a sign like that too. Although I am sure mine would be prettier, more creative, and catchier.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Texting With My Bro

Last night I was texting with my brother about his health. He said he was so pissed all the time and so stressed it was taking a toll on his health. He was gonna work on being happy.
I texted "Yeah you gotta be you, stop conforming to your environment. Be a happy mofo again."
He texted "I know right? Gotta Be Me! That sounds like a Cookie Monster song!"
I texted "Cookie Monster don't eat cookies anymore. They fucked him up real good. He eats veggies now."
Him "WHAT????"
"Sure, they blamed him for obese kids. You know %$#*@ people are fucked up. As if I wouldn't stash cookies from the kids anymore, lol."
"What a pussy whipped world we live in..." He texted

Typical of me and my bro, as we texted during the storm about his health, it turned into conversation about Cookie Monster....

(pic is the window during the lightning as I lay there texting)

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Brother's Keeper

My brother just left. He went home to Minnesota.
He told us he thinks something is wrong with him health-wise, he stayed here for the past 5 days with two of my nephews.
I guess I kind of knew something was up with him because of the way he always talks about all the crazy ass times and things we did, but I tried to ignore it and pay no mind because it feels like we just got over the obstacle of my incarceration and now this is the next curve ball. Whatever it is he feels is wrong with him, it has him questioning his mortality.
I don't like this. I don't like seeing him like this.
But I also know this is my brother, we been through thick and thin. He was the one who came down from Minnesota to the reservation and took me to the federal building to turn myself in. He was the one who walked with me through the mud for 3 miles.
He is my brother and whatever we need to do we will do.
We are Lakota.
We will do this as family.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Today I Am Sober

When I was locked up, I remember when that one year of sobriety came, I told my roommate "Hey, today's my one year of sobriety."
She said "It don't count if you're locked up, you start counting when you're free."
I felt instantly shot down, like what the fuck? I was seriously kind of proud to have one year down because it had been awhile.
I pondered it and thought of all the people that went to solitary for drinking hooch and I thought, you know if I wanted to drink hooch, I could. I could do all the messed up shit people in there were doing, but I chose not to. I chose to do my own time. And that choice was to act right, finally.
I'm too old to be getting in trouble, kids are growing up, can't afford to lose anymore time with them. I was facing seven years so I was lucky, I got 18 months, that way I could see my sons graduate high school.
Now that I am out, I face negativity like that shot down all the time. When I got out of the halfway house I went to a Wellbriety meeting and told some chick, that I just got out of the halfway house and it sucked there.
"Yeah I know" she said. "I was there 3 times in the past year."
"Whoa. I am not going back there ever." I said.
"That's what you think, I said that 3 times."
"Well you don't know me." I told her. "I believe in myself."
And I do and every time I run into that negativity I feel a bit stronger in my sobriety. Even when people don't believe in me.
will I be sober forever?
I don't know.
Will I be sober when I get off paper?
I don't know.
Will I be sober tomorrow?
I don't know.
Today, I am sober.
Today, I feel the strength within me.
Today, I believe in myself.
So you see, it don't matter what anyone says to me.
Cheap shots don't hurt, I know how bad I was and I'm not gonna do an Eminem rant of all my bad points like on 8 Mile when he didn't want the Free World to diss him.
I'll just say what I said before, to myself:
Today, I am sober.
Today, I feel the strength within me.
Today, I believe in myself.
And that's enough for me, today.

Monday, June 13, 2011

The Ability To Maintain

The strength that lies deep inside
Gives one the ability to maintain
Where grown men have broken down and cried
At the fall of a gentle rain
You have walked and endured
The lightening and thunder
Others have tempted easy escape and been lured
Now their souls lie broken asunder
You hold tight to that strength within
And walk through the torrential rain
For this life is yours for living
You just have to have the ability to maintain

June 13, 2011

(For all my Sioux brothers and sisters on the inside)

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Drinking Cold Coffee

I get so tired from my job, cleanin rooms ain't no joke. I swear it is where people want to be the nastiest they can be. *sick bastages*
Plus I work with like girls that could be my daughters and keep up, they never believe me that I am their mamas' ages lol.

I heard from one of the girls I did time with.
She's still in there, I hear from them time to time.
I told her I pray for her to be strong every day and think of them everyday. And I do.
I feel as if the relationships I established on the inside are strong in their own way because we met at our lowest point in our lives, we were all straight, and we somewhat depended on each other, as family.
I think of those girls everyday.
I think of their kids.
We all made mistakes but that doesn't change the fact that there are families out there missing someone.
And in the United States, they have more people incarcerated than any other country with the population only growing every year, never flatlining or decreasing. But nothing can be done, it will still only rise. Tax payers will pay and people will struggle to pay their student loans off every year.
It is what it is.

Sunday, June 5, 2011


And realize
With your evil eyes
That your fucked up ways
From way back in the old days
Of tryin to take my people's ways
Of thinking you're The Man
The government with a plan
A plan to take these people's land
Repress them, Depress them, Oppress them
Make them forget their spiritualities
Give them blankets with disease
Lock them up, throw away the keys
Guess what Mr. Man
Mr. Govt. With a Plan
We're still here to take a stand
To let you know, this is our
Motherfuckin land.
Where you and yours do your livin
But you can have the fuckin land
We're on the rez, we ain't trippin'
Because a piece of land is just dirt
On any given day
Despite it all,
We still have our pride, our spirituality
And our ways.
Hoka hey!

DLH-Waseca FCI

Friday, June 3, 2011

The Price of Bacon

I sometimes try to pretend I don't give a fiddles about the world, like nobody cares, right? If you care about the ozone and feel guilty about all the Aqua Net you used in the 80's, then you're a flippin tree hugger.
If you care one way or the other about politics you're an extremist, or not extreme enough.
I came from a spot where people are for the most part ignorant about what is going on in the world, cripes I DIDN'T even know about that oil spill explosion thingy that happened in the Gulf, right? Well, whatever it was it happened in April of 2010, I found out in October of 2010.
Had I been free, I would have been alllll over that, probably not doing anything about it, but feeling sorry for the wildlife, cursing fossilized fuel, which is really "God." I would have been plastered to CNN and raising a fist with Anderson Cooper and Sanjay Gupta.
But I wasn't. I was on the inside, wondering how everyone in there could be so ignorant as to what is going on with the world and not knowing myself. I wondered how they could think Obama was a terrorist because their mama told them so, or how they could be preturbed by his middle name. So what? Who cares what his middle name is, my middle name sucks stink toes too.
Then the more my date loomed in front of me and teased me, the more I thought about being free and not giving a flip about what was going on with the Big World. All I could think was "I'm gonna be out there....out there."
I didn't care what was going on out here, and saw why the rest of the inmates didn't care. I had no idea we were in a recession. Why even care right?
Not like you can vote to change it.
Then I got out, and realized how it must be for people to have to pull themselves up to even be on the lowest level of humanity again.
So I got out with this hard ass attitude like, "I don't give a crap about the world anymore. People can trash it, people can do whatever and I will not give a fuck." I will not live by CNN and watch the world via CNN like I can actually do something about it, because for real I have no voice anymore.
I can write, yeah that's always a voice, but I can't vote, man. I have voted in every presidential election since I was 18. So I was all heavy metal hard like:
Fuck this World!
I don't care!

Then I accidentally overheard that they found Bin Laden and killed him.

And I felt myself being sucked back into the vortex, I was trying so hard to stay away from.

I avoided CNN and all news channels like they were an ugly one night stand.

Then I saw the price of bacon.....WTF!!!


World, I am trying to not care and be all heavy metal-head bangin-hard core about not caring...

But why you gotta fuck with my bacon, man.

btw-I know there is nothing I or anyone can do about the price of bacon, but man.....*smh*

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

One of the hardest things to realize and accept when one obtains freedom is accepting the fact that people change, things change. I mean, I changed, in a good way. And some changes you see or experience are good, some aren't. Like I realized my precious daughter has a fear of bugs. My second born fights his dad, who, I would be the first to admit was and has been a dipwad in the past. But that was the past and I commend him now for being a man and stepping up to care fo our sons. I don't expect a big "welcome home" anything, not even a pat on the back. Because where I was, don't deserve any kind of celebratory anything. I am sure there are those who would be happy to have a beer with me because I'm out. But that would really only be to have a beer, you know? Nope, I don't expect anything or want anything from anyone. Except I do find satisfaction in knowing that I'm happy to be out and I have a profound appreciation for freedom.