When I was locked up, I remember when that one year of sobriety came, I told my roommate "Hey, today's my one year of sobriety."
She said "It don't count if you're locked up, you start counting when you're free."
I felt instantly shot down, like what the fuck? I was seriously kind of proud to have one year down because it had been awhile.
I pondered it and thought of all the people that went to solitary for drinking hooch and I thought, you know if I wanted to drink hooch, I could. I could do all the messed up shit people in there were doing, but I chose not to. I chose to do my own time. And that choice was to act right, finally.
I'm too old to be getting in trouble, kids are growing up, can't afford to lose anymore time with them. I was facing seven years so I was lucky, I got 18 months, that way I could see my sons graduate high school.
Now that I am out, I face negativity like that shot down all the time. When I got out of the halfway house I went to a Wellbriety meeting and told some chick, that I just got out of the halfway house and it sucked there.
"Yeah I know" she said. "I was there 3 times in the past year."
"Whoa. I am not going back there ever." I said.
"That's what you think, I said that 3 times."
"Well you don't know me." I told her. "I believe in myself."
And I do and every time I run into that negativity I feel a bit stronger in my sobriety. Even when people don't believe in me.
will I be sober forever?
I don't know.
Will I be sober when I get off paper?
I don't know.
Will I be sober tomorrow?
I don't know.
Today, I am sober.
Today, I feel the strength within me.
Today, I believe in myself.
So you see, it don't matter what anyone says to me.
Cheap shots don't hurt, I know how bad I was and I'm not gonna do an Eminem rant of all my bad points like on 8 Mile when he didn't want the Free World to diss him.
I'll just say what I said before, to myself:
Today, I am sober.
Today, I feel the strength within me.
Today, I believe in myself.
And that's enough for me, today.
3 comments:
Great attitude!! One day, one hour, one minute, or one second at a time! Whatever it takes to win a battle well worth winning. And YES! Time inside counts, just as much as time on a ship, in a combat zone in a dry country, etc. As you say, where there's a will there's a way. A person can get whatever substance they want anywhere they want, all it takes is that inner demonic voice driving them on.
You seem to have found peace with Dana, and that's an important 1st step. Just remember, when you're weak, reach for friends who know where you've been rather than the easily obtained crutch.
Lecturing Old Skin is with you as much as he can be.
We can only live in today. We can't redo yesterday, we don't know what tomorrow holds, but if we can do today in a way that honors us, we have won a victory, and each victory makes us stronger. I am proud of you for your determination to stay straight. I know you can!
I wanted to leave a comment before today. One that had lots of uplifting words of wisdom. But in reality, since I find I've had to fight a demon myself, I get more from your words than ones I could give you. My problem was different from yours, it was a battle I fought, slipped, and fought again. It's been several years now and I have it under control, but it is always there waiting to seduce me.
You ARE doing great. You grew up, wised up and cleaned up in a relativity short time. That's something to be proud of for sure. Will it last a lifetime? All we can do is try, no promises, just do our best.
Congratulations Dana
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