Thursday, August 7, 2008

Crumpled Kleenex in my pocket

My eyes feel permanently blurry, but it could be because my alarm didn't go off.

I have been getting more into my artwork, which is a good thing, and it could be because my new guy is an artist and we sit across from each other and create art.

My last load of laundry was screwed up because of crumpled kleenex in my pocket. Maybe because it was the last piece of anything I had left from the funeral. Torn into thousands of shredded pieces of almost nothing except you could see pieces of it all over my clothes. The thousands of tears I cried thrown everywhere.

Maybe because now I am done crying, maybe I am done not talking to aunties, maybe I am done being a bitch through her. Who lived her life that way.

I will always miss her, I will not turn into her. Yet when I chewed out the cashier at the taco stand and wrapped the rest of my taco up into its wrapper and two napkins and stuffed it into my purse, I looked at my brother who was staring at me with big eyes.

I am not turning into her, I said. And I wondered silently why I took my taco like that when I never did.

Maybe because my neighbor's dog is knocked up and they care more about their beer instead of feeding her. Fuckers.

Yep, I am turning into her.

3 comments:

Goose Creek Indian Reserve said...

So....turn into whoever you want. You can do that and be you at the same time. Glad you are healing....missed your humor and insight.Jim.

PS....I lost a nephew(27mos) to leukemia on fri. am. Grief always goes around the room too many times.J.

Goose Creek Indian Reserve said...

So....turn into whoever you want. You can do that and be you at the same time. Glad you are healing....missed your humor and insight.Jim.

PS....I lost a nephew(27mos) to leukemia on fri. am. Grief always goes around the room too many times.J.

Linda said...

Sorry about your loss Dana...I swore the same thing when my Mother passed but one day I looked in the mirror and saw her eyes staring back at me...same personality traits are becoming evident too...At one time before she passed I would've been upset to see the similarities, now I find them comforting and a reminder of my love for her....
The new guy sounds nice...