Friday, August 19, 2011
Drove By Yesterday
*pic by my sister Jaida, naturally.
I drove by the exit to Waseca yesterday, the place I like to call Club Fed or Club Feddy Feddy Fat Camp, I am slowly gaining back the weight I lost in there thanks to my new addiction to sweets.
My kids can't believe how I have this new found craving for sweets, and almost anything too. Doughnuts, I never ate before until I went there. It's every other Sunday, you have to stand in line for about 45 minutes to an hour at 7am and get a doughnut, and damned if it don't taste like Krispy Kreme. Ok, I totally don't know what Krispy Kreme tastes like because when I wanted to try the line at the Mall of America was too long. Yet there I was, wearing my sweats, in line with killers, embezzlers, drug dealers and mostly mules, waiting for my fucking doughnut.
It was fucking worth it, though.
You never know how good shit is until you don't have it, hence my new fondness for sweets.
You never know some things until they happen to you.
Like when I drove by the exit yesterday for a split second I wanted to flip off the place just for all the old feelings, the entrapment, the "when am I gonna get the fuck out of here!" feeling, then I remembered Kujo, my room mate who still has 15 years, and Dani, my bunky who still has 27 years, both my room mates whom I love dearly. I helped Kujo with beadwork for her dad's outfit, she gave me my tattoo.
Dani had a girlfriend in there, they both did....but Dani's girlfriend will be getting out soon. She was sad and happy at the same time about that.
So many nights we spent up late talking, them asking me questions about the outside, what is an IPOD, how are cellphones now, that sort of thing...
Both girls try to do their time with little drama as possible, both girls wake up every morning with the thought that this is another day to get through, this is my life, it is what it is. And it was just that, but with alot of laughs.
I was a short timer, drifted in and out of their lives, been there done that, moved on.
When I drove by I thought of where I was last year, how I wanted to feel freedom and see beyond the fence so bad that the glimpse of a Culligan truck confirmed to me that yes, the world is still out there and life does go on....without you. Which seemed harsh, but considering you are one person, it is true, just hard to grasp at the time that everyone in there is in the same boat as you, every single soul doesn't want to be there. The simple act of picking out a candy bar and taking it to a cashier with money is amazing when you first get out.
And I thought of them, my room mates who still got time. And take it on a day by day basis everyday because they have to.
And I have the audacity to take my recovery and supervised release day by day, what they would give to be here.....
Seriously fucking humbled just driving by that exit.
Thank you God, today I am here and not there.
This song reminds me of Waseca, and all the sisters I left. I will never forget the lessons I learned there and the laughs and the wanting of being where I am now. Even though every one that was in there for the rest of this lifetime will wear the label of a "bad person" that never changed the fact that we all have a soul. I remember when this song was playing one day and my friend A (another short timer)looked at me and said "I don't belong here."
"Me neither" I said.