Wednesday, August 3, 2011

There is no safety net

I was thinking the other day, how close I came to drinking a beer. I didn't have it in my hand or in front of me or anywhere near me, but I craved it as if the foam bubbles were popping in my face. I wanted the feeling because most the time beer tastes like crap, right? That fuzzy, warm feeling you get from head to toe that makes you not give a fuck.

And I wanted that because my Grandma Erna passed, even though, when I hugged her bye a few years ago, I knew it was the last time I would see her ever.

I wanted that beer despite almost 1 year and 7 months into my sobriety because she was gone, because I had no idea how to deal without her, because deep down, I'm an alcoholic...still.

And that showed me that even after all this time, all the time I invested in recovery, there was no such thing as a safety net of time. When I see people getting their coins at AA for so many months years, whatever, that all those coins are worthless. They ain't shit, I would rather have arcade coins.

There is no safety net.

My sobriety is a day by day thing, for sure.

Although I am proud of my one year and almost 8 months now, it ain't shit because my strength is not in that longevity. My strength is in my heart, my prayer, my pure want of a better and longer life. And in my support system, my children, my family, and my Wellbriety group.

The strength in numbers is not in length, but in quantity. In knowing there are those there for me, and knowing that I am not alone.

Mitakuye Oyasin (All My Relatives)

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