Sunday, July 24, 2011

Right in the old cante....




I haven't really been feeling the urge to write, from my heart. Then I read this link my friend in Paris, Karin put on her facebook to this guys's blog.

I especially didn't want to write anything about anything to be even associated with the recent passing of the new member of the 27 club.

But after reading that guys blog, it hit me in the ol' cante. (heart)

When I was in treatment, we were given this chart called the Jellinek Curve and was told to find ourselves on it. I started on the left side and worked my way down, until I got to the bottom, where the circle was.
That is where I was before I got locked up.
I knew it, all along.
I just never wanted to know it. I hid it from myself more than anything, making my drinking a big joke....so I would never have to face it...feel it....or fear it.
I tried to act like it wasn't hurting anyone, though I knew it was, especially my kids. I used excuses to drink, every excuse I had.

When I finally got to prison, the wonderful man who was my treatment counselor showed me what the two outcomes of my area on the jellinek curve were....incarceration, or death.
I thanked God I was in prison, my kids did nothing in this world to deserve to lose their mother. Sure I was locked up, forced to be away from them for a while, but I lived.
I will continue to live. For them.

When I was asked the other day in my MRT class, during testimony, "Do you feel a force inside you that makes you want to be sober?"
I said yes, it is the will to live on, for my children.

See for me, prison wasn't a bad thing, though I hated it every day, every minute I was there, I am thankful I went.

Because I live.


5 comments:

Karin (an alien parisienne) said...

I'm so glad I posted about guy interrupted's blog! That piece means a lot to me & reading it was so good, if hard in its truth(s).

WOW. I really like that Jellinek Curve diagram! That is really helpful to see because it shows me right where my loved one is on the curve, and what we have to look forward to with his continued sobriety.

Dana, I am so, so, so glad that you have found sobriety. As one of those who used to joke with you about alcohol (remember those J├Ąger pics?), I did not know just how bad it was for you. But then as they say, you're only as sick as your secrets. But I am so grateful that you faced it, and are walking forward, one day at a time. You have all my love and support as you live a sober life. I'm so glad I did not have to hear about your passing on because of alcohol, and I am glad that you are living a free and sober life today!

Stay strong.
Love,
Karin

Dana Dane said...

Thanks Karin, it is still somewhat hard to talk about but that is a part of my recovery. Learning to deal, sober.

Karin (an alien parisienne) said...

Yup.

I get that. But you know, I am more than willing to listen, and be real, while you deal. :) I'm glad you were able to take the step of writing this!

Dana Dane said...

You know if I didn't have my writing sometimes, I don't know what I would do. I used to be scared I couldn't write sober but now I know that was an excuse, when I look back at my old writing,I could feel the fear of lack of self control....it was almost a raw emotion throughout so much of it that I am somewhat scared to feel it again, when reading it. But I know I am tough, strong emotionally. If I wasn't I wouldn't have made it through what I did. I just never in a million years would have even the notion to give myself credit for going through it all sober. And you know, it's damn righteous lol to wake up feeling like I'm in love and there ain't a man in sight! Because I love me for being alive, sober, and not hung over. I love me for being here and taking it one day at a time. I love me for bringing 4 bad ass kids into this world. And well, I love me for realizing all this.

Karin (an alien parisienne) said...

Well, I loved reading that up there!! :)

You know what? Paul is discovering those exact same things you wrote. It is so wonderful to have two people in my life who are experiencing this awakening at the same time, and two people who are writers and use writing to express their souls and have that need to write in their lives. What you wrote up there is almost identical to the stuff he's said to me.

Keep on writing, and keep on walking forward, my friend!