Tuesday, July 26, 2011

"Sit back and watch the world go by" -WayJay

LOL This is a picture my sister Jaida took when we went back to the rez of Grandma Tiny and the newest edition of the family, my cousin Kaylene's precious baby Nakiya. I think I spelled that right. I guess Grandma Tiny is a legend for making babies cry by talking to them all sad and saying "Oh poor baby, who's picking on you..." and stuff like that and the baby will indeed cry. Word is, she used to make me cry in less than a second, nice to see she still got it like that.

In my recovery process, I learned about life going on, with or without you.

And today was a good day in my Pirate Reformatory Class. Or Moral Recon-whatever Therapy. I completed Step 3. (I would spell it right but my book is upstairs.)
I realized something when I was going through class, things I worry about that I have no control over. I like to credit myself for being smart enough to dodge that whole "not letting other people's toxicity damper my moods."
But to actually try and worry and stress over other people's problems, that are not really my business, see I even have the nerve to say "not really" my business. Because these are people I love and I wish I didn't worry about them so much because life just has to be.....sometimes, let it be, you know.
I agree it is a waste of energy, I do need to not let it get to me. And my final goal in the step was to someday reach that level of Wolakota. Beyond peace. Today I realized I will never do that if I let worry stress me.
I question myself how, how, and how do I not worry about my family? As a Lakota woman who has a strong sense of family, how do I not let that worry burn bright as picture show?
How do I relax enough and let life play itself out like that picture show?
We also talked about temporary. I remember being stressed, worried, like I was carrying a huge weight on my shoulder and it actually weighed me down at the nape of my neck, about being locked up. I wasn't really scared because I had talked to my dad and he told me some things. He told me (he actually knew I was stressing about prison before I told him) but he told me that us Indians are hustlers, we know how to adapt and survive anywhere and we do good in prison, not that we should be there, but we can handle it. And I did. He also told me a bunch of other stuff that I will never forget and never would have gotten through if it weren't for him. But all that went by so fast that I got how we talked about things in life being temporary.
In fact life itself, is temporary.
Like I had to say good bye to one grandma a couple of weeks ago and at the same time say hello to a brand new beautiful niece.
Yes, my instincts are to worry about my family, to think that is my job, but I realize there is nothing that worry will do but give me more silver hair. (Yes, I said silver)
I have to sit back, as my cousin WayJay says, and watch the world go by. (Of course he says it from the front seat of his car sitting outside of his house with a beer in his hand,) but it sounds like good advice, nonetheless.
Life will indeed go on, with or without my worry.
Gotta learn...sit back and watch the world go by.

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