Monday, February 12, 2007

Alone Time

I am alone. I have children but I am alone. I made many mistakes in my life, that maybe contributed to my being alone...and I wonder how it will be to just be...with me.
My grandma is moving away, well in my world she is my grandma and in your world she is my great-aunt. Her two sons lives miles away from her. I am slowly inheriting all her knick knacks, ceramic owl collection (::shudder::), her dishes , plants and artificial floral arrangements. She is moving in with one of her sons. When I asked her why she was moving she was "Last weekend I didn't even hear my own voice, you have no idea how that is."
I didn't say anything, maybe silently cursed someone who may have caused her epiphany of sudden flight....but I realized...WOW....that is lonely.
I treasure my alone time, I do. I awake early just to capture it for an hour or so....
But I wonder if someday, that alone time will be convenient...too convenient. Will I come to regret it and not want to get out of bed early because of the silence I so treasure now?
I know I am still young, but that is a scary thought.


Alissa said...

It is a scary thought, that one day we'll wake up too alone. So alone that not even your own echo talks back to you. I hate it when my kids are gone over night. At school is a blessing, the babysitters is a well deserved break, but at the end of the night, when you are going home to an empty house, and you are alone, it's a sick empty feeling. I hope it goes away as they get older...

JohnB said...

dana...we alone decide when to be or not to be alone...circumstances are irrelevant. case in point: your Grandmother took her situation into her own hands after her very wise observation about 'voice'. I find the lack of prospective balance more frightening myself.

Dorid said...

Alone is not a bad thing, LONELY is. There are times for both being alone, and not being alone. There are times in my life when it doesn't matter how many people are around me, I feel lonely because I don't have the one person who would fulfil whatever my need is at that moment. There are times I am all by myself because the person fulfilling that need is me.

I can see the end of my time being a mommy. My girls are almost grown. I do look FOREWARD to that time, and plan to fill it up wiht MYSELF. There are things I want to do but I've put off... and now the need for me is to have the freedom to explore those things.

Now I still long for another to share these things with, I know I don't want to be without friends, without lovers, but I can easily see having my home to myself, having it the way I want it, and the freedom to come and go as I please.

But I can also see wanting to come home to waiting arms, or a caring voice.