Sunday, June 17, 2007

Defeated

When I first started writing I would write with so much passion?

I feel anymore like it's faded. Has it?

I don't know. I guess writing for the newspaper sometimes people tell me I am real. You're for real. They say.
Well of course I can only be me, for reals. But sometimes I wonder where all my passion went. I can't really blame getting married because I am still a radical bitch. I just can't find anything to get fired up about.
Then I started thinking...does that mean I am defeated?
Am I just an indian girl, sitting in her house sipping a beer and plunking away on the keyboard during a thunderstorm? Do I really have anything to say?
Am I defeated as a Lakota because I am drinking a beer?
Am i defeated as a Lakota woman because I do have a man that I love?
Am I defeated as a Lakota woman because I have nothing to be passionate about?
Am I defeated, like they say my people were/are because i live on a reservation. They put us in these boundaries and say we are our own nation when our people roamed from the panhandle of Nebraska to the mountains in Montanta. That was our way of life, our territory.
Now we are our own nation, which is bullshit. The only good thing about this so called soveriegnity is that I can drive my car with expired tags and don't have to cut my grass when a man with a fake cop suit and clipboard comes by to tell me that neighbors are complaining.
I lived outside this reservation.
I came home and it pisses me off how we were so tricked into this. Forced or whatever. Either way, we can never roam freely like we used to. We can never enjoy the land. Nothing pisses me off more than to see a beautiful piece of land and then see a fence with a No Trespassing sign.
Yeah I know, get over it....I know, but you have no idea how much it hurts.
So am I defeated?
I don't think so.
I came home for a reason.
When I know what it is, I will let you know.
Until then I plunk away on this keyboard.

3 comments:

Josie Two Shoes said...

I think you are going thru a period of great transition Dana, that has little to do with being defeated. I don't think you are capable of accepting defeat, your spirit is much too strong.

Not only have you recently married and are working out the living together part, but you also, and maybe more importantly, just recently relocated from the outside world back to the rez. It is very different. It does dramatically increase your awareness of all that it means to live in the confines of those boundaries.

If you have a heart for your people, as I know you do, then it has to hurt to see the situation there, to see what has been taken away. My guess is that it is not a lack of passion you are experiencing at the moment, but a lack of direction on which to focus your passion.

Take this time to rest and reflect and observe. I fully believe that the time will soon come when you will have things you want to stand up and say...to the community... to the outside...and to us. You will know what it is, and you will know when the time is right.

Rather than feeling defeated, or trying to push against it, accept this time of transition as a gift. Watch and listen. The words will come to you. The spirits will bring them.

Missy A said...

its still there you just wrote with passion !

Alissa said...

I agree with both Josie and Missy. Anything you write, is written with passion, because that's who you are. And you probably are in a transitional period. You almost sound like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to write. That wasn't what writing was about for you. You used to write because if you didn't, you'd explode. If you have nothing to say, maybe it's because the universe is trying to get you to listen instead. I'd take advantage of this time, and do as Josie suggested. Reflect, and observe. The universe or God or the inner you, call it what you want, but something is trying to tell you something. I'm confidant that when you get the message, we won't be able to get you to stop writing.