Friday, June 15, 2007

There is something i am having a hard time dealing with.

There are probably no words of advice to give but I would like to express it my thoughts about it anyway. For those of you who know me from Yahoo 360, you know my family had a tragedy back in November when my step-dad passed away.

It was really hard for me to deal with because I never had to deal with anything like that. Not that closely anyway. But i struggled and wondered if it was harder for me to deal with his death or whether it was harder for me to deal with the fact that my little brothers and sister lost their father who was a great father to them. He lived for his children and he raised my brother and I, since I was 10 years old. He always, always included me in the count of his kids. He never said I have this many kids and 2 step children, he always considered us his.

The only reason I still say step-dad is because my father is still alive. I love my father and nothing ever changed that.

But I still have my father.
My younger brothers and sister do not. And my youngest sister is age 12, she was 11 when he passed away. It was all of a sudden and a massive heart attack.

This is what bothers me.
My little sister, his baby girl, once told my mom. "He is still on my messenger, but I can't delete it because maybe wherever he is he will find a computer or maybe he will be able to type on it like that guy on that movie Ghost. Then II can still talk to him."
MY mom said nothing, she walked to her room and cried.

When she told me that, I cried.
Then the other day I was cleaning out my messenger box and at the bottom I have people who use MSN messenger, which he used. And at the bottom I seen his smiley face icon on messenger.

So I was like....now what do I do?

I can't delete him.
I just can't.

8 comments:

Josie Two Shoes said...

Why do you feel that you need to delete his icon? I would leave it there as a reminder that he is always near you. You will know when you are ready to delete it, if the time comes. You are blessed in that he loved you and you loved him this much.

Missy A said...

You remember the friend of Adrians and myself who passed away? He was talking to us on messenger right before he died, his name stayed lit up and online for hours after he had gone, very strange feeling that was, we knew he had gone but still had that feeling that he was going to type back
We still have his name on our messengers offline of course now, won't ever delete it no way.

Same with your dad leave it there as a reminder of him

BTW there are many people who still have Poison Ivy, Bonita, Wilbur G, Frankie, THE Crazy Mango, James K, SassyAngel and Bruce Bolster on thier 360 pages all of them gone all of them still on peoples friends list out of respect for them

Alissa said...

I agree. You don't need to delete him. Why? Save space? I think having him there is a great reminder and when you see it there, I'm sure it will trigger memories you can reflect on. I'd keep it.

Barb said...

I have several people who have passed away on my lists still. It keeps them close. Encourage prayer for the departed. Think how hard it is for an infant being born and getting used to being alive in this world. I think about death the same way, it must be an enormous transition, and they need the powerful vibrations that are send via prayer to aclimatize to their new reality.

Webby said...

I too have two people on my Messenger who are no longer amongst us. I couldn't/wouldn't delete them. One was my ex husband.

Daisy said...

My best friend has been gone for almost 3 years. His number is still in my cell and his name is still in my e-mail address book. In fact, I've even transferred those to new accounts, so it's not just leftover. I feel like if I delete him, it's almost as if he were never there, and I just can't do that. It's okay to keep him around, Dana...

Wendy said...

I lost my mom before we had blogs or messenger or programmed lists on cell phones. For weeks though, my aunt would call my mom's phone number and would remember as the phone rang that my mom wouldn't answer the phone. It was me instead. Very weird feeling. You'll never stop missing your step dad, never stop regretting the loss, but you will get used to it. Eventually, you'll look at his icon and not feel so much of a pang, you'll accept that he won't ever be writing you from it and while you won't feel good about that fact, you'll at least be able to accept it. The pain just sort of dulls over time.

Duchess said...

Hello, my name is Duchess, I understand this feeling, I cant delete my sister Luci's name from my messenger list either and I won't, because no matter what we do their still a part of our lives just in a different way. My sister is still my thoughts along with my mom, i was close with my mom and went she passed my sister became the person I turned to for everything, I'm basically lost now and I luv logging on and she's my sisters ID, every once in a great while when I really miss her I'll send her a IM message, helps me to feel better. I seen your column and saw your site at the bottom, its great, i enjoy it... keep up the real life talks, they're enjoyable. Thanks