Friday, March 23, 2007

it's all about me

Yesterday I woke up and got the boys up to go to school after being up beading all night.
I only had 3 turtle dreamcatchers andd though we had hamburger in the fridge, I was not in the mood for hamburger. Sometimes, even though it is cheaper and easier to cook, I just hate it! UGH!
Anyway, I try hard to get my kids into other healtier foods that are also cheap, for real it is hard.
Anyway i went back to sleep next to my Emma Beans for another hour, plus she has been kind of sick lately. I woke up, made her breakfast and then I finsihed up the 3 dreamcatchers.
I am sick of this hustling. I mean I am glad I am capable of it and all. But I am sick of it. Sometimes I want to flush all my beads down the toilet, but as some of you 360-ers know they would clog it because of the big rats nest they are. I have grown to hate beading like some would a job. There is no daycare here unless you attend college. I am in limboo...but I can think of worse places to I said at least I have a scheme and we will never starve. so here was my day.
the boys ogt off school at 2:40 and I loaded Ty up, he rode with me out to place where THE BITCH works. I should say that, she does buy my stuff at her rate and maybe she is just dramatic. I mean I don't really think that she slams everything around because I took her time off surfing the internet. And she only buys everyones stuff at a reduced rate...because well she can. So I said Thank you and glared and we left. "Wow," I told my son "I wonder how it is to be that unhappy, huh?" He smiled at me. We cashed the 36 dollar check bought groceries and cat food. Came home, I started cooking my chicken for enchiladas and beaded until it was time to cook it all at once. I beaded until bed time, in between watching Tv, hollering at my 2 youngest boys to quit killing each other and watched them all, as big as they are attempt to wrestle around the house. Like they are still tiny. They can't even try without knocking stuff over. Justice broke my favorite candle holder yesterday. It's a peach. She looked at me with hate in her eyes and slammed the lid down until it broke. The she looked at me with big eyes a half smile and RAN! It was only a dollar in a thrift store, but it was different and ...well I bought it because of a story a friend on 360 wrote about a woman and her peach pitt (baby) So my peach pitt broke my favorite candle holder. She is lucky I don't partake in child abuse. And I did not just type that. Anyway, my step dad used to swear I shook her. when he would hold her, because he loves babies...he would gasp and say "She has shaken baby syndrome." And that would make her all dramatic. Of course he did that with every one of my kids and brothers and sisters since I can He made them all drama kings and queens.
Anyway I am totally getting off subject. This is how I bead...this is what I do. I have been doing this since I was 18. Then something happened yesterday that pissed me off.
I woke up in the middle of the night and my ex was by my bed. My son had let him in, because that is his dad.
I was so pissed. He was drunk, crying over the past...what a horrible person he was. How he messed up our relationship, he should never have cheated on me...he still loves me, he misses me. I was always his best friend and he ruined it.
First off I jumped up and told him. I would have believed that line maybe 13 years ago. When I was young and dumb and took him back over and over , when he cheated over and over. I believed so much in my kids having a mom and dad, I let them see him treat me bad, holler at me, disrespect their mother. I believed so much in the dream of love, that I was unhappy and so were my kids. He destroyed that dream and there was no more chances. I spent most of 11 years being unhappy and I was not spending anymore. I walked him to the door and he left crying. I closed the door behind him and I cried. You know...I can't feel for him. I can't love him anymore...he killed all that inside of me. I can be his friend. but that is all. i cried because I lost 11 years chasing a stupid ass dream about love when he never loved me until I was gone. That was too late. Years ago I would have loved to see him grovel like it makes me sad. Sad because we will never know what we could have been. I was a good woman to him and I don't hate him. I just wisheed he would be happy with who he is and find that inner peace, like I did.
I can complain about beading and eating hamburger, but really I am and have never been happier.


Alissa said...

First off, I crack myself up, because I totally wanted to call instead of type my comment. Resisting that urge, here goes...

Dana, you kick ass. Look at you. That is so amazing that you have come this way and can identify that you once would have loved to seem him grovel at your feet, but now, it's too late. And whats even better, is that you are willing to be his friend. He does lose some credibility for having this realization we he's drunk however. But you are amazing and an inspiration to battered women everywhere, because this is where they should strive to be in 10+ years after they leave. I understand why you cried, and you have every right to feel that way. You have a lot to offer some one some day, and he will show up, he won't be a 5th kid to you, and he will treat you so well, you won't even know what to do with yourself. Just wait, because you totally deserve it.

Dana L said... know what I told him was I gave him more chances than he deserved and after awhile I realized I wasn't even doing it for me or the kids, just because he had that power over me...he will never be happy because he jumps from relationship to relationship

Missy A said...

You know if I had of woken up and my X was in my bed I would have hit him with something, that would scare the daylights outa me

I just typed bead instead of bed now that is a scary thought having him in your beads

Dorid said...

AMEN to Alissa's comment.

Dana, you know you don't need anything that crappy in your life right now.

After I got divorced from S-- I used to think that even being poor, living in a neighborhood where I never would have before, having to scrimp and save, I was STILL happier than being wiht S--. Women SOOOO don't need wondering when the next fist will fall, walking on eggshells in their own homes, or having to care for someone who chooses to be a baby rather than a partner.

as far as your beading goes, I'm sorry that your beading has become a job... it's sad when that happens, but at least it keeps food on the table and a little extra money coming in.

Janet H said...

See -- I made it over, and all it took was a message to remind me!

I'm so sorry your ex turned up with his drama and craziness, but I'm *so* glad that you're such a strong woman that you know you don't need that, that nothing would make that worthwhile. Beading may be a job sometimes, but it's yours, and you call the shots and you have the choices in your life. You have so much to be proud about. I'm so glad you're finding the peace in the middle of it all, and seeing the truth of the situation. Big hugs to you, sweetie.