Friday, May 27, 2011

Here I Am

That's a saying from the inside, when someone shows up they start out by saying "Here I Am," and it used to annoy the hell out of me.
They also start each sentence or conversation with "Listen" because they are all attention whores. They been locked up so long, they want to make sure you hear them. So in a way I understand why they all talk like that. I mean, who was I but a short timer with a short little number? Like all the other short timers showing up in and out of their lives and daily routine of getting up at 5:30, showering-going to breakfast at 6-work at 7:30 and so on and so forth, same routine everyday for years without ever going anywhere away from there, unless it was in a book or if they were lucky enough to have figured it out, in their mind.
I made some good friends there and a couple of enemies.
And I'm not there, I'm here. Free to come and go without the use of a book or meditation. Free to wander wherever I want, whether that be physically, spiritually, or mentally.
Yet every day, EVERY DAY, I think about it. I think about them. Those I left behind who still have time in that place. I don't ever want to go there again EVER but every day I can't help to think about all of it.
And I want to cry.
But I won't cry because I am out here, where they want to be. If it wasn't for the sisters I made in there, I wouldn't have gotten through the halfway house as strongly as I did. I wouldn't be able to maintain my sobriety so strongly.
Maybe I'm one of those people that draw strength from others, hopefully it don't take away from them to do that,
but
yes, I think of that god awful place everyday and of them, locked up as society's outcasts, bottom of the barrel, criminals, and I know it makes me a stronger person.
Because I know that's how people see me, other than my true friends, and immediate family. I am no better than Timothy McVeigh, Charles Manson, or Lindsay Lohan. I have experienced a shift in attitude to those who now think of me as pond scum, but still talk as if they still like me.
And they might make jokes, like we are still all cool, but I can feel their opinions as if they stood up in my soup and screamed them at me.
But I'm cool with that, people have a right to opinions. I have no more explanations for my past, IT IS WHAT IT IS.
I'm still me and
"Here I Am."

4 comments:

Josie said...

Excellent post! From everything that happens in our lives we learn, and then we move on. You will move on with your life, whether or not some people would rather chain you to the past. Remember always that we pick up the pieces and move on. Hold your head high, stay straight, and continue being you, because you always have been, and will continue to be beautiful. There are no perfect people walking on this earth. We all make choices that sometimes don't work out well, that is how we learn and grow. Those who would judge you have their own sins, perhaps just more well-hidden from public view. Don't let them make you feel that you are beneath them, we are all family, and we are all dependent upon each other. Perhaps you realize that better than they do, but they will learn.

Dana Dane said...

I guess I needed to write that. I needed to get out how I feel because someone from my blog circle made the comment "as if we would ever trust you?" like it was a joke. I said nothing or rather typed nothing in return. I knew it was true, who would trust me? But it shocked me that I am thought of that way by someone who claims to be close to me. I mean she had every right to say that but I was thinking "Dude, it's still ME. ME. ME."
Then I realized if she doesn't know that it IS still me, then she never did know me, know what I mean?

Mike S said...

If I avoided all those in my life who've been behind bars, be it a couple days or decades, I'd have to give up being friends with some wonderful folks. I'd have to avoid ME too!! It never pays to judge people unless you've been where they've been and under the same circumstances. The old adage about 'walk a mile in my moccasins' had a firm basis in reality.
I'll ALWAYS count you as a true friend no matter what, fate isn't always kind, and it's those times that it's not you need your friends the most;-)

Linda said...

It takes a lot of guts to put yourself out there for all to see like you do here and on FB. It's like being naked in a crowd of people all staring at you. You're not hiding behind excuses but instead have learned from your experience and sharing that with all to read. If someone doesn't like it or says they don't trust you then I guess that's their problem not yours. You'll always run into people that will judge.
But, If you look around you will find there are lots of your readers/family/friends that find you inspirational and applaud you for making a new start in the right direction.
I do not see you as a criminal or untrustworthy, but as someone who just made a mistake and learned from it. We all make mistakes.
Stay strong, and as Josie says hold your head high.
You ARE who you are & who you've always been. It's still you.