That's a saying from the inside, when someone shows up they start out by saying "Here I Am," and it used to annoy the hell out of me.
They also start each sentence or conversation with "Listen" because they are all attention whores. They been locked up so long, they want to make sure you hear them. So in a way I understand why they all talk like that. I mean, who was I but a short timer with a short little number? Like all the other short timers showing up in and out of their lives and daily routine of getting up at 5:30, showering-going to breakfast at 6-work at 7:30 and so on and so forth, same routine everyday for years without ever going anywhere away from there, unless it was in a book or if they were lucky enough to have figured it out, in their mind.
I made some good friends there and a couple of enemies.
And I'm not there, I'm here. Free to come and go without the use of a book or meditation. Free to wander wherever I want, whether that be physically, spiritually, or mentally.
Yet every day, EVERY DAY, I think about it. I think about them. Those I left behind who still have time in that place. I don't ever want to go there again EVER but every day I can't help to think about all of it.
And I want to cry.
But I won't cry because I am out here, where they want to be. If it wasn't for the sisters I made in there, I wouldn't have gotten through the halfway house as strongly as I did. I wouldn't be able to maintain my sobriety so strongly.
Maybe I'm one of those people that draw strength from others, hopefully it don't take away from them to do that,
yes, I think of that god awful place everyday and of them, locked up as society's outcasts, bottom of the barrel, criminals, and I know it makes me a stronger person.
Because I know that's how people see me, other than my true friends, and immediate family. I am no better than Timothy McVeigh, Charles Manson, or Lindsay Lohan. I have experienced a shift in attitude to those who now think of me as pond scum, but still talk as if they still like me.
And they might make jokes, like we are still all cool, but I can feel their opinions as if they stood up in my soup and screamed them at me.
But I'm cool with that, people have a right to opinions. I have no more explanations for my past, IT IS WHAT IT IS.
I'm still me and
"Here I Am."