I have no f*ckin idea...seriously. I am not being bitter...I really wish I knew...was it when my first boyfriend bought me dimestore earrings like Molly Ringwald's in Sixteen Candles??? Or was it when that boy in 1st grade kissed me on the cheek and told me he would marry me?? I really don't know. I wished I did.
I don't like crying around...I don't like pity...I don't like people thinking I need someone to make me happy because other than Derek Jeter, Joey Porter, Gilbert Arenas, Danny Zuko, Jake Ryan, or Jay Gatsby...or Robert Redford...oh and that guy Detective Elliot Stabler from Law & Order SVU...any of those guys can make me happy but I just ended an 8 month relationship the other day with a guy who promised me EVERYTHING but couldn't fulfill that promise to himself even...I never ask for everything...I don't even want anything...truthfully it would be nice to know WTF romance is? I feel at fault for always rushing into things....even after staying single for so long I felt like I had my detectors out...I was cautious...but I was duped...and it wasn't the first time. I am getting to the point where I think that i am like my grandma...bitter and mean...soon I will be old. I had a life, I had kids, I enjoyed many many times in my life but I fear I will never know what romance is. I have friends that fell in love at age 15, 16 and 17 and are still together and happy (looking.) I have friends that married in a vineyard and are still in love the same as that day...
I am happy being single...and I wonder if that is my destiny? I have seen people in relationships...controlling relationships only worried about being in love...or not even love...all they care about is not being alone. I love being alone with my kids...but i wonder sometimes...if someday they will be gone and it will just be me. Will that be so bad to never know what romance is? I can easily imagine being Meg Ryan to Tom Hanks...or Sanaa Lathan to Omar Epps, or Liz Taylor to Richard Burton...or even Julia Roberts to Dermott Mulroney?
I have accepted being single with glee...with pride even because in all truth I would rather be single than be with someone who will lie to me...but why do I attract liars? Even when I am cautious? Why are some people so selfish?
When I enter a relationship I enter it with all the determination that it will be my last...that is more than likely my fault....maybe I just need to not. I had a good six year break before I even put my foot in the water and still attracted someone who couldn't even meet me halfway in a relationship,...could not understand that my children are first in my life...could not be happy for me when i got my job with the newspaper and instead tried to make me feel guilty..."oh i don't blog anymore because people don't read me like they read your fluff"...I try, i am not perfect but I try. I don't need anyone to take care of me and at the same time I don't need to take care of anyone...I have children i do that for already. sorry for ranting here, but I need to get some sh*t out...I am sick of this. Derek, take me away.Let me end this on a happy note..I may not know what romance is...and you may. But the two things I have experienced in my life:
ONE: I once was talking to an ex from high school about a girl we went to HS with...I was like "she was so beautiful and everyone was mad she ended up with a guy that was a weirdo back then, but he is so good to her and she has a perfect family life now...I wish I married what I considered a freak back then, maybe I would be happy now"...he was like..."Naw...you are too strong of a woman, you dot need ANYONE taking care of you." Yeah i felt good considering I once thought i would marry this boy who said this, but then I was like still...I want to know what romance is.
TWO: A DAY IN MY LIFE...December 31, 2005- 11:57 pm. I was partying for the last 2 hours wth my best friend. We was at a bar...we had the stupid little hats and whistles and all that junk. He came down to spend the New Year's with me...we had some beers and about this time the owner of the local Po dunk bar started handing out free champagne...soon the countdown started...
As the year turned to 2006 I had the most wonderful, wonderful kiss in my life. I felt for that minute or two like the woman in that World War II pic where she kissed the soldier in Times Square...I felt like her...is that romance?
If it is...I can die happy...lol
2 comments:
I'm sorry things didn't turn out better for you and your relationship. It's tough putting yourself out there, but if we look at your learning curve, you've done great. Last time it took years to figure out that you needed to cut and bail. At least this time it didn't take as long. You are strong, and many things are going your way, this is just Gods way of telling you that it can't all go your wall at once...lol. He tells me shit like that ALL the time. I love you dear. Take care.
P.S. Romance is over rated...
Well, when and if you find out, will you please enlighten me?? You knowI seem to attract alot of selfish liars my damn self, maybe it runs in the blood, huh?? Maybe we can be like the Golden Girls and just all live together and be old together, lol...
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