Ok when I decided to do this blog on confessions, because I seen others do it, I decided to go back to the first thing I wanted to confess. I realized I have alot to confess. The roots of evil were planted long ago. I have already confessed to the lawn ornament theft of last year....well I was exposed.
- Anyway I will start at the age of 5 and this confession goes to my brother. When I told you to swing from that vine and yell like Tarzan...I knew it was a stereo....a big ass stereo from the 70's and I knew the vine was the cord. Hey you turned out ok and have an amazing tolerance for pain to your head, right?
- To the little boy in 1st grade, Greg. When we moved to the city and you told everyone I was a "dirty indian." I wrote your name all over everyone's desk with the crayons you stole from me. I stole them back and walked by after school to watch you scrub your name off the desks. I smiled when you cleaned after this "dirty indian." *lilbitch*
- To another boy in 1st grade...Mark. When you kissed me on the playground and said you liked me. I am sorry I screamed, cried, and ran. I really did like you and your blue eyes and I think our children would have been beautiful.
- In second grade, to my grandma...I took your poodle...MR. Bo Jangles or was it Jingles to school and he danced for everyone and then molested my friend's cat.
- In 4th grade to my teacher Mr. Collins. Everytime you turned your back I sent you death rays and death thoughts but my super powers were not fully developed...I heard of your untimely death and I am sorry if the powers wore you down. I think of you all the time down there.
- In 5th grade.....to our dearly departed neighbors. Your dog Puppy Joe did NOT crap that much in your yard. Me and my brother had to pick up the crap in our yard with one of those long handled pooper scooper and we par-red up into your yard. Your roof was hole in one.
- In 6th grade, this confession is to the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. I only went to church because I had a crush on the Pastor's son. Forgive me.
- In 7th grade, to my friend Missy....every time I had a crush on someone you and your Daryl Hannah looks made a play for them. So when I said I liked that butt ugly guy at camp with the same name as me...I only did it to make you go out with him while I crushed on the pastor's son. I thought it was funny to see you hold that ugly guys hand though.
- To all the girls at Bible Camp in the "Big Girls" dorm. It was me who put the frogs in your beds, purses, showers, and toilets. God wasn't dammning you and I was surprised to see that none of you noticed my bed and purse untouched and unfrogged
- To my brother Trav again...when you gave me the Wrist Rocket sling shot to defend us against those "bad guys." You should have taught me how to aim. That dirt clod that blasted your head was me. But hey, it sent you into a rampage that scared them away.
- To one of my best tippers when I bartended...Tony the Butcher. I never went on that second date with you because everytime I said something you said "riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!" Like the Fonz said "Heeeeeey." You even said it when I purposely said something wrong. Hey thanks for all the meat, steaks and other stuff....me and my kids enjoyed.
- To my kids, sorry I make you get me the remote even when I am closer. My mom did it to me, it is a vicious circle.
- To my mom and step dad.....the red paint on the front of the van....that was me. I know you argued over it, but you made me take Travis dinner and yeah, that is all I will say.
- To my brother Trav....I know you ain't with this chick anymore but when she asked who Susan was because you called her that in your sleep...I didn't mean to tell her it was your ex, or that she was your true love...you guys should have told me you was all lying about it. I am not a narc.
- To my brother Jesse....last week....I was the one who wrote "Wash Me Bitch" in the dust on the hood of your car....but it gave it some charm. Oh yeah...and sorry to all the siblings that got blamed.
Ok I have to end there........I will not confess up anymore details to anything for fear of prosecution. I plan to take the 5th if there are any further questions. Oh I am free...the burden is off of me.
Oh yeah thanks to everyone who stood up yesterday....nice to meet you. Hope you stay awhile. You can still comment, you know. To all others...that orgy was uncalled for, you know who you guilty ones are.
Do you have anyone you want to confess to that will never see this blog? My fam saw it, it made the column...lol.
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