It was always me and my boys

I try hard to try and understand where they are coming from. I have a devil and an angel.

I hate to say that but it has been true since they were babies.....I showed a picture to one person at work back when I was in my 20's and they were babies. You're older one looks like a pure angel and the younger one has the devil in his eye. I was like wow, you can get all that from their eyes?

It was true from the minute of birth I think.

Ty is fifteen, he was born on December nineteenth of 92. I struggled in labor because he was myu first. I panicked,went up to early, was hardly dialated. I was induced after thirteen hours of labor and not dialating. Which was harsh, the contractions were hard after that. I remember thinking...I....am....never....doing....this....again.

Then he was born with the most beautiful eyes and quietest cry. All I had to do to makehim quit crying was hold him and talk to him. Even when he was put under the lights with shades on for jaundice, I just said his name "Tigerman" and he would immediately quit crying. He was born 5 weeks earlyand had to stay in the hospital for an extra week for his lungs. Oh the late night drives everytime his nurse called for his feeding.

When Ty turned a year old, I wanted to make a big deal. Not realizing I was nesting. I made his little cake the night before, put his number one candle on it and laid down after preparing for his little party. I had a dream I was in labor. I woke up at ten thirty at night because I was in labor. We hurried out and had a relative watch Ty. We lived in Minnesota then and it was COLD. WAIT...I told my ex, I grabbed the camera and doubled over with a contraction. You want a picture of you in labor? he asked No f*cker, take it of the cake I won't be here. He took it of the cake and we rushed out. Jalen's labor went quickly...sonner than anything they said push. But I had a hard time (he has a big head.) I remember the doctor bein an ass and saying I was too young to have two kids in a year and I should quit now because something about money. I think he thought I was a "per cap" Indian, back then in the town we lived in parents used to get their kids monthly payments. He didn'trealize we was from a poor tribe. I told hime to shut the f*ck up and deliver my baby. Jalen came out with a fury...took a dump right after, as soon as the nurse was putting a diaper on him. He roared. He has my eyes but looks like his dad. He was my heaviest kid to date and the skinniest today,he was 8 pounds and thirteen oz.

I look back at the pictures now and remember them at that age. Ty always shy and reserved, Jalen always loud and funny. Ty always close by his parents, Jalen always saying Ty let go over here. Back then something as simple as driving over a bridge got them excited....they would scream at each other "Ty Ty Look...or Jay JAy look....My SEE The WATER. They had both parents back then, saw alot of fighting though, alot of tears and they grew to be who they are today.

I grew up with those two boys,often walking with me to the store and helping carry groceries home, where ever we lived. It was always us surviving with the younger ones...they were always there for me.

I know how I was as a teenager. I was horribly mean to my mom,blamed her for everything. Ty don't do that, he helps me when he can, asks me if I need anything and he's my rock. Jalen is more opinionated, blames me for everything, and isn't scared to tell me anything.

He has been pushing me away lately, acting like I don't do enough for him, like because I have a job I should buy him this and that. When I don't, he is pissed and shuts me out of his world. When I give them money and their dad takes them to town to shop, he acts like his dad did it all. I wanna shake the shit out of him sometimes and say DID YOU KNOW THAT WAS ME?? But I don't. The last time I whipped them was when they threw an egg at Big Larry's house and the cops came and it cost me 88 dollars....almost two Halloweens ago.

I finally worked out visitation arrangements with their dad, but not child support. I can't keep them from him, I know that...and I can't make that loser pay, everyone actslike it is so easy. Not on the reservation, this is breeding grounds for dead beat dads...for a mom who isn't on welfare to get child support she has to hire a lawyer and go through tribal court, who will then send out a summons and then IF paternity is established, there will be a court order for child support. Which in the end means "bullshit"...you spent money on a lawyer for nothing.(I might seriously write about that for the paper)

So I gave up. I don't need anything from him anyway....for our three boys.

I just miss the closeness I shared with my boys, especially Jalen and hope this is just a "teen age" thing.....but I know in my heart...they are growing up, and I have to get used to it.

Sooner or Later.