Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Up early...goin for a walk

Yesterday was a roller coaster of non-emotions. I didn't let myself feel anything. Then thought "Was I supposed to cry just now?"

"Was I supposed to go off on a rampage?"

The after thought of every incident pissed me off.

I went to bed early after talkin to my best friend all night while he was at work. Then my daughter's dad called because he wants to bemore a part of her life. So I talked to him and told me to call me later.

What a strange day yesterday, like all the losers in my life bobbed to the surface, as if trying me. Seeing how much I can handle emotionally. I did good, being stoic, quiet, and mean.

Is that who I am now?

Almost as if I will never be that sweet, caring emotional person I am. Is that over?

I never thought I would grow to be mean, like my grandma. I always wondered why she was so mean, especially when it came to men. Maybe they screwed with her heart so much, she had no choice. Maybe she was at one time,sweet and caring.

I remember one time my mom had this boyfriend who got on his knees in front of her as they were breaking up, and gave her a knife. "Just kill me, if I can't have you I want to die."

"You f*ckin drama queen, I will cut your head off, now get the hell out of my house." She told him and he left.

I thought she was so mean, but I could see myself saying something like that yesterday.

I really used to be a sweet girl.

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