Blog whore

I have discovered that in leaving 360 i have turned into a blog whore.
My best friend Ron asked me the other day "Do you have like a thing in everything?" When I was telling him about BeBo.
So I thought about it.
especially after Sucka sent me an invite to Facebook the other day and I actually signed up for it.
I still use 360 for my fictional blog and to go read people that I like to read.
I had a stupid Hi5 account before 360 and still have it.
I also have an account on classmates.com, which is great because that is how I found my love.
I have a Bebo, which seems to be purely native american lol.
I have a Facebook, a Myspace, two blogspots, two 360 accounts, and i am sure if I think hard, there is another one somewhere.
yes, I am a blogwhore...where the hell are the blog pimps.
Oh and i know Missy A seen this, but someone left a little comment a couple of blogs back and called me a blog stabber.
She calles herself Bloghunter.
i was like blog stabber...wtf is that? So i went to her blog to listen to her cry around about people who blog their lives and cry around about it. What she is essentially saying is "Here is my blog about hating all you people who do what I just did in this here blog." I didn't give her the satisfaction of a comment, but like i said about blogs....who set the rules? she needs to move on with that shit.
My blog is mine and I will blog whatever the hell i want. Nobody told that bitch to read it anyway.
sincerely
Dana the blog whore!

Welcome To My Reservation

Put us inside this boundary
Promises of sovereignity
Sovereignity is erased
when everything is government based
The land you give us
is all in goverment trust
Take our tongue, cut our hair
make us forget the warfare
Against the women and babies
that happened out at the Knee
You know we don't forget anyway
That shit is embedded in our DNA
Don't act like there was no us
before the Santa Maria brought Columbus
we were always here
we never had fear
We didn't cross the Bering Strait
You don't know, so you hate
We're from Crazy Horse & Red Cloud
We will always be proud
You might have tried to take our dignity
by breaking our treaties
But we're still a bad ass nation
Welcome to my reservation
~dlh


That was for my lil cousin Rich "Paco" I hope he likes it.

Home

I know i wrote about going home...or coming home in the past.
I used to want to get away from here when I was growing up. I never wanted to live where I was from. So i did.
I became a gypsy of sorts. I moved around a tri-state area and even tried living in the Twin cites. Which was wonderful, I loved it.
the diversity, the culture, the public transportation.
something to do all the time.
Except I never had the money to do anything.
So i decided to come back twice, the last time resulting in a pregnancy. then I ran.
I didn't want to be pregnant. I didn't want to have a baby from this guy.
i remmeber one day waking up and thinking I had my monthly. Thanking god that i only skipped a month and I reqally wasn't pregnant. Then i felt her kicking a couple of weeks later. Well not kicking but that first little flutter.
So I left. I moved away one morning and thought i would never come back.
Living away from home was hard. It always is hard to adjust to life "off the rez." You end up paying more bills of course and although finding housing is easier, the rules and regulations living in a "whiteman's world" is so different. I guess nobody would understand....unless they lived here.
So when I kept updating my housing application here and realized i was getting closer to being here, i moved back to a little town off the reservation. A town I grew to love and even wondered if i should really move back to the reservation.
Then one day my son fell on the way to school, got mud on his pants, but went to school anyway. He was a 12 year old boy and which 12 year old boy would turn around and change before going to school. From that point on i was under investigation from social Services, coming in my house and looking around. Interviewing the boys after a night out at the 20 bar with my brother when he came to visit. My middle boy scrathed between his legs, and I became under investigation for sexual abuse. The doctor was pissed and told me to tell them that ALL MALES scratch there. When Stephon got bruises I was under investigation for physical abuse, only to show he was anemic and likes to roughhouse. I had to make the boys quit wrestling, which is hard to do when you have 3 boys.
Then my name came up and they had a house for me.
I probably would have let it go if all that hadn't happened in that small town. So I packed up, signed the papers and moved home.

i loved being back. Most people didn't recognize me but I didn't care. Alot of pepple thought I just moved back and got a house. I wished! I wouold have moved home long time ago if thats the case.
At first there were a couple of guys I knew from high school trying to go out with me. One married, one not but he had issues and was too needy. So I kept them at a distance.
My ex tried to come back and I think it was only because I have a house to tell you the truth.
when I got the email from Bruce i was so nervous. I think he though I had a man so he apologized for writing and said he never forgot me.
When he signed it "Always and Forever" I felt all that love again
I wrote back and we started talking on the phone.
He said "We should get married." I was like "someday huh?"
He said no when I get down there....we wasted enough time in the past.
I laughed, then I took it as a challenge.
taunting him
do it then...Bring it...you won't marry me.
Up until the minutes before we went in the judges office we looked at each other and said...you ready to back out?
lol
Now coming home has a whole new meaning. Yes i came home to always be here for my kids.
But when I wake up in the morning and see my husband laying beside me it means so much more to be home.
I came home in more ways than one.
I love my life right now.

Mesh

When I was a little girl I was quiet and shy. In some way I still am. I don't really feel comfy talking to people until i really know them. then sometimes they have to have the right personality...if you know what I mean. Like I can really get to know some people but they are too uptight, or we don't mesh.

So that got me to thinking what kind of people do I mesh with.

I guess the number one most important of all things to me in someone is "sense of humor." I believe I have and always had a great sense of humor. I think sense of humor is what makes people "sparkle." It used to be the number one thing I looked for in a guy, then I realized that funny guys only make good friends, not anything further. to me that is....because we'd laugh so much, there was never any seriousness.
Don't get me wrong my husband has a great sense of humor, he is just not the one cracking the jokes. Usually it's me, but he does like to laugh.
With my friends Aimy and Bobby, who hardly ever come around now that I am married, that is all we do is laugh.
So other than having a great sense of humor you also have to be real.
I know that sounds so easy but have you ever met people that think they have to be someone else. It is so hard for me to hang out with people like that.
Be funny and be real.....those are the people I mesh with.
Oh wait, you can't be a dumbass. I seriously cannot hang with dumbasses. You know the type...they don't listen to other's opinions because they are the only one in the whole world that is right, right then and there. I can't stand dumbasses.
But when someone is funny and a dumbass....well that's another thing. :)
Other than that I can hang with anyone, but I mesh with certain ones.

the best damn food blog

Seriously, Missy A's idea and it is awesome.
Stop by and visit or become a contributor!
http://food4buds.blogspot.com/

A Blogger on Blogging

This was an assignment from the Bloggers Anon Website. I don't have time to link it right now but I will come back and link it.

Blogging.
I started my blog on Yahoo 360 back in August of 2005. It started out as a private online journal and then I invited about 13 people from my address book. Most i knew from real life and a couple from the internet.

Once in awhile they would comment but not always so I never really knew if they read it. it went like that for 5 months. I was alot more political back then and poetic. A compassionate conservative, if you must...haha NOT! Well, it is no secret I am to the right but I dance in the left when i feel the need to and it is often since I made the switch back in '02. I don't regret making the switch YET, but sides piss me off so much that I am seriously thinking Independent....if only that meant more to me than...."I really don't have an opinion...I want to walk in the middle." And you know what they say about walking in the middle?
"You get squished! Justa Lika grape." Miyagi-The Karate Kid, circa 1984 0r 85.
Anyway so yeah I am a repub but I speak my mind about the current idiot a slight majority of idiots voted in.
Note- I did not vote for him....and that will get me through the pearly gates.
Anyway before I go off on a spout like Sister Daisy does about Walmart, let me get back to blogging.
When I officially started lurking 360 and other people's blogs or as I call them OPB (yeah you know me) it was about Januuary of 06...and I was amazed that I could sit in my basement apartment in Nebraskee and read the thoughts of a single mother of two wild teen age girls in Washington, a wild in the closet to his family but out of the closet on his blog drama queen from Nashville, a nerdy Walmart hater that switched from the right to the left in the south, a cultured gay guy in NYC with wonderful snaps from a city i have yet to see, a silly lady from Down Under, an American married to a Belgian living in France, a mysteryman in the Chicago area, and on and on. I mean my world was endless in that basement apartment.
I was addicted right off the bat! I burnt a couple of dinners over 360. i loved it. I started blogging for them. Jokes i think they would like or silly things that happened to me that day. Soon I was participating in blgowide challenges and events.

Then my computer crashed.

DOOMSDAY!

And I realized how addicted i was.
I swore to never burn another dinner.
To stop letting my kids fall asleep at me feet....ha! Just teasing.
Anyway...I still blogged from the library. I still blogged when i was connected again.
I just tried hard to get back to what it was in the beginning. Blogging from the heart. Writing from the heart.

Then on one important piece in the history of my people, i was attacked. I know this is so dead and gone and we all know it was done for attention. I am SO over it, and am only bringing it up as a tip to new bloggers.
I was attacked and many friends, wonderful friends rallied around me to suppost me. But I was devastated, like that time in 7th grade when I started a fundraiser as a class report for the famine in Ethiopia and these mean boys told me mean Ethiopian jokes at recess. I couldn't stop crying. I am that way, i have a lot of passion in me when I believe in soemthing. And I am very sensitive. Anyway my teacher let me lay down till i gained my composure and ranted those boys out in front of the class for their insensitivity.
That si how I felt....hurt. how could one of my readers whom I respected say such mean things about the past of my people, that was never really brought to attention in history anyway? I was pissed, i ranted, I wrote mean blogs about him. I stooped to his level.
Then I forgave him. And we talk, but we are not "blog friends" like we was. i left my blog in Yahoo 360 this year. I had to be weened but I left. Too much drama and cliques. I still read people I love to read from there. Or those that allow me to, and I do miss it. But there are many more things I don't miss than I do.
I now blog seriously on Blogger...yeah it is not 360. But I love it here. I can write without the drama of a thousand people jumping on any bandwagon if drama happens. And so far it has been drama free.
My advice to new bloggers?
-Avoid drama.
-Write from the heart.
B-e honest with what you write because of all people...you know if it isn't.
-Most importantly-write for you, first and foremost.

And if people don't like that?
Fuck 'em.
After all, you are writing for you. Right? Write.

PS- And if your bloggy has speelcheck....USE IT! I obviously am that lazy that I dont.

PPS_ Obviously HBO did not feel that the important piece of history I was attacked for on 360 was stupid and forgetful...check it out on HBO on May 27th, ...Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee.

Note-pic stolen from some FBI website on Google Image Search

Letter To a Younger Me

Write a letter to a younger you. I seen this in Oprah (the magazine) the other day... thought it was a great idea. I thought hard about what age I would write to me at and I picked 18. That is the age that I made many life changing decisions and now I see i wasn't mature enough at the time, or too stubborn to really realize what I was doing. . I am thinking, maybe, I will show my daughter this when she is 18.
Letter to 18 year old Dana
Dear Dana,
First off I want to tell you that your life doesn't revolve around a man. You don't have to wonder if you are making him happy or not. You do have to worry about whether you are really happy, or whether you think you feel happy because you are with him. A relationship is give and take. You can only give so much. Don't give so much that you walk around unhappy, suspicious, and wondering what you did wrong. You are smarter than him. Don't stroke his ego and give him the power to control your feelings. Deep down inside, you know it's really you that has the power to control your heart and decide who you share it with. Don't ever slap anyone up if a man cheats on you, because BELIEVE me it is not worth it and drags you down to that level. You deserve so much more.
Speaking of what you deserve, you mama taught you better than that and you know it. It is ok to buy yourself a 40 dollar bottle of perfume and not feel guilty. Treat yourself. This is an example of making yourself happy. Listen to your mother more. She is the strongest woman you know.
Get your education. As soon as possible. Life is hard and only going to get harder...especially if you want children. I would never discourage you from having children, they are a joy and will make your future so much more enjoyable. But, get that education. Don't look at obstacles as road blocks...only detours.
Keep your journals.
Don't ever ever mistake sex for love if you are single. As I said earlier, you control your emotions. Love yourself before trying to fall in love.
Take care of yourself in all aspects; physically, emotionally, and secure your future with an education. Nothing can stop you and believe that.
Some pointers.
Just because a man can be sweet, do your hair, do your make-up, make you wear clothes in your closet you never dared...and take you out on the town, doesn't mean you can trust him. Just because he is gay, doesn't mean he is automatically cool or a saint. He is still human....be careful and choose your friends wisely.
Don't lose time with relatives over petty stuff. Treasure that time.
Don't ever.....EVER break up with a guy because he is "too nice." Bad boys will only break your heart.
Don't ever get a perm to make your hair curly.
Don't sell yourself short on your artwork....especially if you make a beaded painting.
Don't ever bartend in a dress that seems too short. People will lie to you and tell you it's not. If it feels too short, it is. Stick to the skirts or slacks. Assuming, of course, that you will bartend someday... though you may not since you should be in school. Of course, that is if...you are an exceptional 18 year old that can take advice and not know it all already.
If you ever work for a place that sends you to Florida for two weeks, it is ok to go out and party a couple of nights. Don't feel guilty if the rest of your family is sitting in the cold. PARTY! (Please for the love of god, party at least one day)
And keep better in touch with friends....the true ones, that over the years are still friends. .
And remember...don't ever wear glasses that are trendy! No matter how cool you think you look at the time!
Love....you,
Dana

I found writing a letter to my younger self to be very therapuetic and healing. Even if we can't change the past, we can recognize and move on. Give it a try.

Indian Tacos

For the dear life of Jase he couldn't find this blog so I am re-posting it here for him.

This blog is dedicated to Joe12pax-my iron chef, Big Neddy -and his unrelentless quest for this recipe, Karin-who was the first ever to inquire me to blog it, andHeavenLeigh who asked in the comment section once for the recipe.

Before I start...let me say this. If you are on a diet, don't attempt. If you don't eat meat..don't attempt. If you avoid carbs...bye. If you don't eat beans...see you later. If you are watching your cholesterol level...keep blog hopping.

Now because I blogged my whole blog yesterday and it went poof in thin air...bear with me and try not to comment. I am blogging this is pieces. I also have to warn, I don't use measuring cups. I have some, but I just make my bread, tha way I do. So...this is very untraditonal for a very tradional recipe. Ok that was a lie, it's not traditional at all. Fry Bread was invented after Indians were forced on to reservations and were issued rations of flour, lard, etc. And the taco part, c'mon...not traditional. Just the most wonderful invention ever (besides Derek S. Jeter.)

OK Neddy, I will shut up and get on with it.

First this pic is everything you need for the bread part of the recipe. This is what makes the Indian in Indian taco.

See how easy that was...I didn't have to write down anything.

Now this is everything you need for the Taco part. Note the avacado, not needed, I love them. The sour cream, black olives and hot sauce, are up to the eater. The 6 pack was just mine to make the experience more enjoyable. Also there was some game on at the time. I forget who was playing though.

First off you mix half the bag of flour, 4 palmfuls of instant milk, 2 palmfuls of sugar (forgot that in the pic) and 2 pinches of salt. Mix it well then make a well in the center of the flour mix. I use the bottom of a glass to do this.

Next pour warm water in the well. I don't know what temperature, if you work with yeast you should know. I just know really warm not too hot. something you would bathe in. I added 2 and 1/2 coffee cups which 1 coffee cup equals 1 1/4 cup in your world...do the math.

Next you mix 2 packet of yeast in the well of water. Stir this carfully as to not get any flour from the sides into this. I also put a capful of vegetable oil in this, a sort of FryBread Softener. Stir the yeast well. then you wait for it to activate.

It took one whole inning of the baseball game for me to wait until the yeast activated. If you don't know how it looks activated just think of the foam on top of beer when it is poured in a glass. Next you mix in the flour slowly from around the side. There will not be enough water to make a good dough, so you have to add more warm water. this part always ends up different, every time i make it. So I add more water to make the mixture more sticky at first. When it gets to the point of being too sticky you can then add flour. Don't add too much, but just enough to make it look like this. (This pic was kneaded a little and put in a bowl that I coated with veggie oil.)

Too much flour will not allow the dough to rise correctly so remember less is more. And yes your hand will be full of the dough. this is where the beer comes in. I watched about 5 and 1/2 innings of baseball before my dough was ready. I covered the above pic with a dish towel and put it in my oven (the oven was not on.) After 5/12 innings of baseball, it looked like this.

You will need to add more flour as you knead this time. you can choose to let it rise again, i don't know what that does but my kids were hovering and I had to cook them. Now I rolled mine out pretty thin, because I trusted my dough. I knew they would fry up thicker. I don't know if you can see in the pic, but the dough looks bubbly, that is when you know you have good bread and it will fry thicker. I make mine plate size and will show a pic of one frying. Remember your shortening has to be hot before you start. As for how much let me show you a pic. It is alot, if you think it's gross then you never worked fast food.

You will know it is hot enough when you throw a little flour in and it sizzles and disappears. Here is the bread frying...hence Fry Bread.

I don't know how long you cook them, to about this color. the hamburger mixture was easy, brown it, add the taco seasoning and chili beans. My kids grandma soaks her beans all night and has them ready the next day...me I don't have time. I add two cans of chili beans.

My sous chefs...uh I mean kids did all the slicing, dicing, and chopping.

And Alas...there it is....The Infamous Indian Taco

So not healthy for you...but your family will be nice to you, their bellies full, their faces shiny, greasy and happy!

It took me years to develop this recipe for the bread, a little of this woman's recipe, a little of my in-laws, a little of my aunt's. But Halleluah I got it right! So if your great grandma who was a Cherokee Princess didn't make it that way, fine stick to your own recipe!

Thank you and have a good day!

Highway 18

this was the group he used to sing with. This song is called Highway 18. which is the highway that runs through our reservation. He told me that the song is about when the whiteman would come and give food rations out on Highway 18. What the song basically says is "Whiteman, this is ours. Our ways. You can't take this." anyway that is what he told me. If you think about it you can read so much into that statement...especially now. Knowing what happened from then to now.
I won't type his name because he said I keep writing about him and anyway you all know anyway. But I love his honor for the ways of the Lakota. I love that guy who shall not be named that I married.

Regular Scheduled Programming

Or whatever.

Bruce did it. this season! Next season he won't
He interrupted my regularly scheduled programming. Got my ass back in the NBA only because I HATE his lucky ass team that somehow won last night. I haven't been into the NBA this much since Shaq was a baby...I mean rookie.

I am a couch potato, TV addict, and Reality TV whore. I have been forced into an intervention called LIFE!

This was my life BEFORE I got married.

Sunday-Sometimes the Yankees play, sometimes the PGA will be winding down a great tournament where Tiger Woods has to comeback and win it. Sometimes it is the end of a NASCAR race, which is dirtier and more dramatic than my cousin Tom in a bar. Or if it is the BLESSED season of NFL and I have that all day. Sunday is usually my big meal day and it is the day I have to have a few beers. Not for any religious reason, just because it is a big sports day. Then if it isn't football season and there is no beer, I will end the evening with Extreme Makeover Home Edition and cry. Then Sopranos. That is my Sunday as I usually sit and bead.

Monday-I don't really watch TV during the day except for the true crime thingys that come on in the morning. Oh and I keep trying tio catch The Price Is Right because you know i love Bob Barker and he is finally retiring. Also at noon 2 episodes of Law & Order come on. i try and catch at least one episode of Days a week because i have been watching it since I was in 2nd grade and feel loyal.I usually watch these, then let someone else watch or leave it on CNN Headline News, while I bead/clean/think about cooking...then I watch Law & Order SVU at 6. I know all the characters on there. Even the smaller roles like the psychiatrist that they hire all the time from the FBI. His name is Wong. Anyway after this if it is football season I watch NFL Monday Night football. Or i catch Dancing With stars and give up the TV after that. How can I forget Taquita and Kaui on MTV, those chicks are nuts.

Tuesday-All the same as above except for American Idol comes on and Dancing With Stars the results show. Also Tuesday night is the night TBS runs alot of Friends episodes, even though I seen them all. I still try and catch one or two because I miss those guys. Also the new episodes of Law & Order come on on NBC that night. I heart Detective Stabler. Also there is usually some reality show on MTV I like, like right now it is Inferno II. Oh yeah Miami Ink...*purr* I love those guys!

Wednesday WAS a big TV night for me. The results of American Idol. Real World and Road Rules. All the same as above for daytime TV.

Thursday-Pimp My Ride on MTV. Adventures in Hollyhood and can't forget Survivor. I always have to remember that the channel Survivor comes on is in the Central time zone so I have to catch it during my Law & Order SVU time. And I am usually pissed when I miss it. Sometimes I try to catch The Office because I LOVE that show. Then I flip channels (without a remote) and usually end up at ER or Sopranos reruns on A & E.

Friday is a bad day for TV, except for The Ultimate Coyote Search on CMT. Intervention on A & E and Take Home Chef on TLC. Then I catch up on reruns of The Deadliest Catch on The Discovery Channel...or whatever documentary might be on.

Saturday if I am lucky The Yankees are on TV like today or something. Other than that I watch movies.
See before I was married I controlled the TV.
The first couple of weeks I missed alot of shows....and didn't even feel bad.
Now we have to agree on what is on, which is the NBA play-offs and living in a house with 4 members of the opposite sex I am outnumbered.
I just hope blake Lewis can win American idol without me, and i hope Vegas and that other chick can win the Ultimate Coyote Ugly Search without me. i hope Jen from Real world Denver keeps kicking ass on The inferno. I really do hope Taquita and Kaui can find a job in Las Vegas. I am sure Take Home Chef is still getting housewives drunk while cooking for their husbands. I hope Sammy and Lucas finally fot married. the old guy, I hope is still on Survivor. And I hope Apollo can win the big disco ball trophy on Dancing With Stars. I WANT Anthony Jr. to get into the "family business" on Sopranos.

UGH!
My life was so much TV. Now that I am blisfully wed and took my vows till death do us part...everything seems so trivial now.
I still catch some of my regularly scheduled programming, but for now my couch potato ass is just as happy kissing my husband. Or sitting outside enjoying the weather with the kids and husband. Or talking smack over a basketball game...ugh i can't get started on that after last night. I am happy happy happy. when i told my mom marrying him interrupted my regularly scheduled programming...she said Thank God.

But can someone let me know if Sammy and Lucas finally did get married? I only want that bitch to be as happy as me.

*Disclaimer-any and all events and programs are immediatley put on the back burner for ANY Yankee game, even marriage. Go Yanks! ;)

my silver hair

Bruce took this pic of me the day after we got married. I hate pics of me. Anyway you can see my silver hairs here. Note not grey but silver. Ok quit looking at my jacked up cupboards for a minute and look at the top of my head, right in the middle...you can see the streak starting
(Wait can I just say my cousin lived here before me and I don't know why they painted SOME of the cupboards with navy blue spray paint, but i do intend on painting over them,...someday.)

Ok now BACK TO ME>
so there is my streak I have been talking about for over a year. Saying it will soon look like a chic from X-men. IT's getting bigger, or more and more. It started with one when I was 18, that my mom ALWAYS pulled out. Then 2 by the time I was 23. Then when I was 28 I thought it was about 6 but the lady that cut my hair told me I had a bunch. I left for Minnesota about a month after that so that night in the motel room I sat and looked through my whole haed and pulled out about 16.
Now I can't fight it, or I will surely be bald.
But I don't mind it. I mean they ARE silver and not grey.
I am sure each one accounts for something in my life.
They Yankees losing in the post season last year had to be worth about 3 or 4 of them.
Waiting on pins and needles for Bruce to show up when he called and said he would be here in an hour, I am sure sprouted out 2 more.
My son's health scare this year had to account for many many more.
Waiting to see how I would be recieved as a columnist acounted for many.
Waiting in line at the grocery store and hoping I didn't go over my budget.
Hitting on the slot machine on a max bet.
Sitting at the IHS waiting room trying not to be mad at IHS.
When I found out I was getting laid off.
Worried about my kids when they were out after curfew.
Worried about my kids in general.
I am sure that each and every one of my SILVER hairs has a story and a meaning. I am sure I will be fine as they multiply in vast haste.
I am sure it will look ok.


If not, I am dying them bitches Loreal Feria number 6.66 Double Intensity Auburn Red
and trying my luck at bingo!

Dorid's Clasic Image Challenge

I love Dorid's Classic Image Challenges.
Here are her rules-
take a photo or illustration YOU have created
alter it, photoshop it, or whatever... to make your image in the style of today's feature artist
post it on your blog
comment below with the permenent link.
TODAY'S FEATURE ARTIST IS....

PAUL KLEE

So I like the colors of this one because it reminds me of the colors of another pic I took recently....well, it was taken with my cam






Here is what I did with plain ol' Paint and I also used fd's Toys on Flickr.com and used the Beads section...because you know I love beads.
Flickr has many great features if you don't have Photoshop or PaintshopPro and of course plain ol' Paint.



Anyway that was my 3rd post for today so I am out.

For the Storm Is Over

Calm winds on the prairie
Blew through my hair
As the sun shined on me and
Made me glow from within
The wind subsided
Calmness thickened and boiled over
The glow was gone and my heart cried
The thunderhead rolled in
Thunder beings warned me
I did not listen to them
Instead looking for calm
I found the storm
Funnel clouds haunted me
Lightning crashed my heart
Rain hid my tears
I was broken down
To think I was
Nothing
Then the sun came back
And warmed me
Inside and out
Calm, cool winds caressed me
And my heart
Felt whole again
For the storm is over.

~dlh

this can be a vent too

My kids asked me to go for a walk last night. I said OK. I don't know I trust them so much because they don't do alot of stuff other kids do...like for one go walking around town. All they do is play video games or are on the computer and I was glad they wanted to go for a walk. I know at their age I used to roam this town everywhere. Anyway...well let me put it this way.
A couple of days ago my ex called and wanted to talk to his boys , I was like about what? I knew he was just being nosy about my new situation....he said he wanted to borrow a video game from them and I told him no....call back when you have something to GIVE to them, not take. That is how he is and the reason why he is my ex.
Anyway yesterday his daughter Espy got on the phone and wanted to come play with Justice, so I gave in because Justice needs interaction with other little girls.
then after that the boys wanted to call their dad, I told them one of the two numbers he can be reached at and I assumed they talked to him. After that they wanted to go for a walk. I said fine, this was about 7:00.
curfew is at 10, so at 10 I called my grandma's house and my uncle's up the hill to see if they were there. No go. I was starting to worry and no one came after Espy. His girlfriend called and asked if Espy was still here because apparently he was supposed to take her to the carnival and was using her mom's car...god he is such a loser.
So then I figured my boys lied to me and were with their dad.
Which pissed me off. They don't EVER lie to me like that.
And why?
Did they think I wouldn't let them go see their dad. I know the asshole was behind it and trying to make it look like I am keeping him from his boys.
Trying to make me look like the bad person in their eyes.
I am so pissed and I have to punish them now.
Which I never have to do, but I spent half my pre-teen and teen years punished. Yes, mom if you read this I remember those "No phone" times and I almost died lol. Anyway...I don't know how they are going to take no video games and no computers for a week but they have to know I am not the bad guy here. They just didn't have to lie and I think because of my marriage, my ex is now trying to complicate shit.

I told my boys...if you want to go live with your dad, at his girlfriends mom's house, in the bedroom she shares with their dad, their sister and her son, they are welcome to go.
ARGH...my ex is an ass.
Anyway...sorry for a messed up blog I just needed to vent.


On a good note, my husband has a job interview with his old employer on Friday and we talked about it. I don't have to work...he said. I was like WOW I NEVER had that before. It was always me supporting the whole family with 2 or 3 shitty jobs. I can actually be a SAHM and bead. Oh I love him so!

My dream

I would love to own my own store. I had tried to get funding for it by going in with a friend, but she ruined it by telling the guy we met with when applying for funding how "rich" she was and how much money she made. Right then and there I knew if she still lied at age 35 like she did in all our youth, that I couldn't go into business with her.

I would love my own craft supply store and gallery. I would love to serve people coffee as soon as they walked in. Have a comfy couch and a place for women to gather on a certain night of the week to visit, bead and of course, gossip.

I would love to have a restaurant that served only native food. I would call it Wota. Not really Indian Taco's but served food from the pre-rez and post-rez era. i would love to research and find these recipes and serve stuff that only traditional people still eat. Stuff that people still grow up eating around here, like kidneys, tongue, skillet bread, wojapi, and wasna.
I think being around Bruce made me see the "Value" in preserving traditions I made one of my great grandma's old recipes last night and the kids actually ate it.
Anyway it's just a dream.

Oh and if you don't believe in Astrology, because I bet I haven't checked my horoscope in about 6 months, here is what came up for the day Bruce emailed me and the day I opened the email. The first is his and the second is my horoscope.

Bruce
Daily Extended Forecast for April 24, 2007
Provided by Astrology.com


Sometimes, even when you're not looking for a new romance, one comes along and taps you on the shoulder. But make no mistake -- if that happens today, you have a choice. Go down this intriguing path only if you want to. Have faith that if it happens once, it can happen again. Do not involve yourself in any type of emotional entanglement unless you're completely ready. If you're not ready, trust that this person will wait for you to be ready.


Me-
Daily Overview for April 25, 2007
Provided by Astrology.com Daily Extended Forecast


Quickie:
A fantasy won't come true without a certain amount of collaboration, so compromise.

Overview:
Changes are right up your alley -- the more risky and outrageous, the better. What's gotten into you? Oh, just a little extra chutzpah, thanks to those daring and frisky stars. Pursue your dreams with fervor now.

Ten days later I became his wife and I am happier everyday.

Not a blog

Just FYI for anyone who reads me from 360 or the newspaper. You don't have to have a blogspot in order to comment here. You can comment without having a blog. Just type in your name. Or you can comment using your 360 url like Mister E did. Or like I used to do when I commented on John B's blogs. That's what is nice about blogspot, is it is not exclusive. Now that was just a friendly reminder from this happy blogger.

The Park

I don't remember if there was a park when I was a kid. Up at the school I guess there was a death trap of a park built on pavement with giant slides and no shock absorption so if you fell you got HURT. Now the school built a really nice park with wood chips around it BUT they lock it up from hoodlums off school hours.
I don't remember how long ago it was when the park by the pow wow grounds was built but I know I came back one year and it was there. It used to be maintained by YO (Youth Opportunities,) which seemed like a great program but as with every positive program that starts out high hopes on the rez, funds went dry and i don't know who maintains the park now. Or if anyone does. I just noticed how worn down it is getting, not that kids notice. They love having it here. My son said the skatepark is unusable because of the holes in it and such.

skate park

on the basketball court facing the skatepark

Justice don't care how tore up things are.

Justice and her "daddy."
Speaking of which...she loves having a dad finally. And he loves finally having a daughter. And now I surely can't win an argument with her.

All in all the park is a good thing for the kids and it is nice to have it around. When I was a kid we went to the BIA grounds to eat our penny candy because it "felt" like a park. I just wished someone would maintain it.

Life Lessons From Mama

Starting with teaching me to read at age 4.
She taught me everything and then some.
She taught me to take chances...even if I am scared. "You will never regret trying something new or taking opportunities, but you will always regret not doing them." That is what she told me when I asked her if I should go to Florida and work in my bosses bar.
"I figure if you can't make yourself happy, then who can...everyone needs to be happy with themselves." That was an IM message she sent me one day and I never forgot it.
She taught me the value of being resourceful, beading to take care of myself.
She taught methe passion of reading. Never once flinching or banning her Jackie Collins books from me even though I was 11 years old. She bought me all the Cosmo magazines I could have from age 10 on. And she still buys me the January issue for Christmas. I don't read Cosmo anymore but I love the January issue.
She taught me to love. I have seen her in love. She has no regrets.
She taught me politics and thinking about other cultures and ways of the world.
She taught me good table manners, I don't know when but she just did. And if you don't think this is important try being around someone who has no manners....ugh.
Most important of all...she taught me not to take shit from anyone.
My mom is badass and if she reads this Happy Mother's Day Mother.
*pic stolen from my sister's flickr account....she likes it when I steal her pictures.
her fave saying "I will always wear purple."
One of my mom's fave songs.

If you ask for it, they will come.

"I want to help the people...the Lakota people"
I hear people say that all the time. They come in groups, in droves starting about now to "help the people." They come all summer long. I see them fixing up people's houses just to see those houses go back to what they were before. I see them handing out donations of anything and everything. Only to see people selling that stuff the same day. I once heard my sister's friend in Minnesota tell her "We went to Pine Ridge with our church group one summer to "help the people." She was looking at her with wide eyes as if she went on a wild safari and saved some rare animals. I see people from other reservations come here and say they want to help the Lakota people. Getting jobs here with that intent.
Everyone wants to "help the people" here.
It's great for me. I sell beadwork like crazy...but after all the years of people coming to help...people wanting to help, people rebuilding people's houses and the truckloads of stuff people bring...we are still the poorest county in the nation with the highest infant mortality rate and lowest life expectancy.
It makes me wonder...
What kind of "help" we really need.

*All opinions are appreciated and the longer the better. i will respond to each one.

Column Update

I don't know why my column isn't getting updated on the paper's website. It's been on the same one (April 6) forever, while others get regular updates. But anyway....I will update it here.
They finally accepted my column entry "On Being A Skin" Last week....the one about Coming Home is still in the waiting so hopefully they will use that next week.
This is what I wrote this week.


Indian Love


What is Indian Love…hickeys and bingo? Passion…whether it be good or bad? Shattered windows and broken hearts? Babies and promises? We all heard the jokes…we all told the jokes.

“Look at that couple, hickeys and shiners…that’s love.”
Or-“You know that’s love, somebody cared enough to break their windows.”
And-“Check them out, I remember when they met at the casino, she hit a jackpot that night.”
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
Modern day jokes get in the way of what Indian love really was, and still is.
So let me start this by saying, I got married last Friday.
I married the man I lost touch with long time ago.
So nobody knows we HAVE a history together…a history that is as complex as it is wonderful.
I wrote him off a long time ago and I figured I was doomed to a life off not ever having what I had with him. Then, we found each other again.
So, not only did I want to update my life…I also wanted to touch down on what I think is Indian Love.
There are certain people that joke about what Indian Love is….and you people know who you are. Some of you, if not many of you are related to me. And it is funny, because I can fire back to every detail of Indian Love you think is funny…
Women were not to be heard they just stood by silently and did as told.
Um. Hello the Indian woman is still as powerful in any family today as she was back then…test me, and I will give you the names of many in this day and age.
The Indian women did all the work, all the men had to do was get the buffalo and the woman did the rest of the work…ha ha you think it is funny an Indian woman had that role?
See what I mean about an Indian woman being strong?
Especially, in her relationship with her man, her children, and the rest of the family, she was the core of that family back then, as much as she is today.
We all joke and laugh and poke fun, and I used to poke fun more than anyone. Sorry if I offended some of you. You know who you are. I also thank you for accepting my decision to marry my first love, and you know who you are.
He married into my family of not only me, some cats, and a stray dog…but the most important of all-he married into a life of four children who will always need the guidance and role model of someone who is willing to step up and marry into that. He entered into my family without a doubt. That is a true Lakota man. That is Indian love.
The role of being an Indian woman is taking care of what is hers…whether that be herself, her children or her man (and her cats!). And YES to my bros…I do scratch his back when it itches, but that’s love…in any world.
This is just my humble opinion, but Indian love is so complex that what it boils down to is taking care of the one you love. And what is theirs.

Also my name change didn't get updated or my bio....they still have me at 34 years old lol.
Anyway I took some great pics at the park...I will post later. Still in "Honeymoon" mode...i don't even want to go anywhere;)

i forgot about this song...i love to hear him sing it. And it is the first time any man ever sang anything to me....actually for being my first love I am surprised at how many other firsts are going on.
I'll blog later
Dana

obsessed

i am obsessed. I am. And not just with my husband....omg it sounds so surreal to say that. Every night we say that to each other "Can you believe we're married?" and smile. But that is not my only obsession. I love games and I hate them....board games, thinking games. but I hate to lose.
I am a huge brat when it comes to games and the my inner child comes out. So anyway I love MAHJONG. you can play it here and click for the full screen http://www.freegames.ws/games/boardgames/mahjong/mahjong.htm
This is what is obsessing me (besides Bruce ;)
Anyway yesterday i showed him how to play it. But I couldn't win. then he beat it twice!
I was fired up so I played and played yesterday until I beat it twice.
Now he is at his uncles and i beat it twice in a row and am still playing it right now. i had to beat him. I had to.
Anyway Bruce reads this blog...he reads the comments that people write in....I guess he likes it. lol.
i finally got off Mahjong long enough to write in my novel. Finally. Maybe things will turn back to normal. Maybe not.....what is normal?
I know I'm not.
But i am still walking on clouds and thank god.
i still lurk other blogs on 360. Seen someone write about me....WTF ever. i don't even care. I don't even care what he says. Before anymore accusations, because i don't push anyone away from religion and I never did...let me just say...that is what a mama's boy is...a big pissin crybaby. Someday people get tired of whining and crying around. I know he lurked here and seen what some of us said about him...oh well. BOO HOO...he needed a reason to cry around anyway. I would call that an accusation...but it's true.
So I'll kick rocks to that fool if i ever get off these damn clouds...which I doubt will be soon. i am in love. I have a man...finally and dammit I don't give a hoot about all that.
i seriosuly need to get back to my beading
as soon as I whip up some more on this man in my house to Mahjong.
And to my husband...you read this, you don't comment....and I KNOW you hate the Bee Gees and I secretly dig them...so listen to the words to this song....even if it hurts you to listen to the Bee Gees. I love you lol. MAYBe if you listen to it, i will eat a piece of that raw kidney with you....BLECH!

gush

I am reveling in this foggy cloud of happiness and I hope no one chokes on my gushiness.
OMG, I just can't believe I married him. I can't believe it.
So many people have told both him and I "You're f*ckin crazy" Instead of the normal congratulations. Nobody remembers that this man was the boy who put hearts in my eyes. Well, my brother does because I am pretty sure he read my diary. But, the fact that this courtship was so short and then we got married makes people think we are crazy.
Some people are disappointed they were not invited to the wedding. It wasn't really an "event" though. It was just us and two witnesses and we all barely fit in the judge's office.
I told the girl at the gorcery store that I got married and she asked to who...when I told her she said "Oh reunited huh?" At least she remembers that there was life before my dumbass ex.
My brother called yesterday and asked how things were, if everything was alright. Am I still as happy as I was the day I got married.
"No," I said "I'm happier...and that is all that keeps happening is I get happier. I am waiting for it to top off or hit a plateau, but so far everyday I am jus happier."
He laughed and said "Hang in there, I'll get Dirty Steve on this pool yet."
LOL
I was like "WTF you guys suck!"
We bet on everything he said.
So anyway we get off the phone and I tell Bruce and his friend Super.....Super then says. "How much is it to get in?"
HAHA
I don't even care what anyone says, what anyone thinks. I married the man that stole my heart years ago. Well he was a boy back then....but you know.
I will post some pics later....one of my kids deleted them all.

Out My Front Door

Well, I said I would take more pictures of the "real reservation."
My brother suggested to take a picture right out my front door and show everyone what it is about.
these are my neighbors. A huge extended family that all have been living there ever since I
can remember. Their older daughter used to live next door to my grandma with her kids, then she got a double wide, but for a while now she has been living back home with her parents and children.
It is a 4 bedroom house and I know at least 5 adults live there and I am not sure how many children.
The cars and trucks they all use are painted with this saying "Justice for Jonny" When the rain washes it off they paint it over again.
I don't know who Jonny was but I do know he was a Yankee's fan. They have been painting that ever since last November. I moved in here in December.
I have never seen any of the cars they drive go without that.
Jonny died last November out at the old Sundance grounds. He was stabbed to death and they never caught who did it.

Jonny was 15 years old.

The one that got away

The best men, my bro Trav, Dirty Steve, and Cousin Tom.

Us again at the 20 bar.




It wasn't a big ceremony...it was just small and a tribal judge married us. But to get marrieds here it IS alot of signatures and running around. Which we did so by 11:00 am on Friday we had every signature we needed from the enrollment office and BIA, so next it was finding two witnesses. My brother Trav pulled in just then, so I told him to go get Tom.

We found a judge, a newer judge and we was his first wedding.
I was so happy, nervous and excited when I was saying my vows I wanted to laugh. I didn't want to tell anyone that but Tom brought up that he wanted to laugh too. Then Bruce admitted it so I did. I was giddy I guess.

Everyone think we are crazy, like we just met. We wasted so much time in the past being away from each other and being young, dumb and stubborn. This is why we did it this way.

My brother gave the toast...it wasn't champagne but 3 shots of Jose and two shots of Crown, because that's how we roll. I don't remember what he said but when he was done, he said "And thank GOD a real man stepped up to take care of my sister, now we don't have to." LOL. Dirty Steve gives me a hug and says I feel real happy for you Dana, I love you like a sister and I feel real happy for you. then he turns to Bruce and says...And you, well I just feel for you.

Here's my cousin Tom's two cents "What made you guys get married? I might have an 8th grade education but I ain't that dumb."
It's all good and fun, as a family we joke like that.
Then I met his family...LOL. Not even all of them. His cousin Mark said "Welcome to the family, we like to hug and kiss in this family." LOL!
These past two days have been a whirlwind and I love it! I love him. My two younger ones get along great with him. The older ones have to get used to him. My ex, the boys dad called to tell me I was crazy and WTF ever. I told him thanks and hung up the phone. Life goes on.

I took some awesome pics of the reservation and have been lately. I want to use this blog to show the "real rez." Even though I always tend to take pics of the sunset and make it look all vast and romatic, I want people to see what it is really like here. So I will probably do that tomorrow.

So yeah I better get to beading I have avoided it for a couple of days.

So here is the girl who got married to her first love in jeans and flip flops telling you all bye. Thanks for everything.

We had a storm last night.

Bruce was at the school pow-wows all day, so I stayed home and relaxed. Literally taking a nap as my dough was rising for fry bread.
I made chili and fry bread which is good stormy weather food. Although it wasn't storming before that.
So when I went up to the pow wow I took some pics.
not great ones like of the dancers because I only sat in one spot and didn't walk around.
I did record them singing and some of the dancers in the background...if I figure out youtube I will try and upload it here.


these were the kids playing outside the pow wow in their costumes.


this was a little girl who kept smiling at me...this was during a blackout but the singers kept singing.


this was in front of me and i just wanted to show you how deeply rooted the tradition can be for some youth....that's pride
my two fave pics my son deleted....one was a girl's hands and she played with the beads from her hair ties and the other was a little boy sitting on his dad's lap and singing right along with the singers.

ok I was able to upload it but the sound is horrible. You can't really see Bruce but he is on the right side with sunglasses on his head.




now i really have to go! se you sunday


this song is in honor of today...thanks for the congrats and emails.

When I was in high school...

I fell in love right off with this guy named Bruce. He was my first boyfriend....and my second and so on...we were on and off.
High school sweethearts.
He was a fancy dancer, which if you don't know...is a competition dancer for our native pow wows.
We went our seperate ways when I was 17 and he was 18. Soon after I found out I was pregnant with his baby. It was summertime and he was hitting the pow wow trail, so even when I did work up the courage to tell him, he would be out of town. I miscarried at 8 weeks and never told a soul until I was older. I actually did write a story about being a teenager and suffering through a miscarriage but I never submitted it to Seventeen magazine like I wanted to. I felt guilty and still do because I was scared and didn't want the baby. So I blamed myself for years for the miscarriage...and still do somewhat, even though it was probably for the better.
I pushed him in my past and tried to move on, though I always thought of him.
I heard he got married and had a bunch of kids, so that was that.
Over the years and through my 11 year past relationship, I used to wonder what it would be like if I ended up with him. I knew it was impossible, but I was still human, still just a girl with dreams...even though I thought I was doomed to an unhappy relationship for the rest of my life.
I found him on classmates.com and we communicated through there...but if any of you have ever been there, you can't communicate on classmates.com. You can only send HI's and such. You can't even send a message. So in my profile I wrote a real cryptic email address. I wrote it as danadotlonehillatgmaildotcom. I was hoping he would see it. I also googled him and found he was with a drum group called The Crazy Horse Singers. I know I am a stalker haha. But nothing ever came of it, anyway.
Awhile back I opened my email to find an email from him and it started a flood of email between us, until finally just phone calls. I found out he never did get married, like me.
He found out about the pregnancy and says he wished he would have known.
We talked for hours just like when we was in high school. I asked him how he came to find my email address.
He said his mom told him to look for a happy ad in the newspaper. She swore someone sent him a happy ad. He said he looked and looked but never saw the happy ad. But he saw my column, and got on a computer and went to classmates.com and seen my cryptic email address.
And that was that.
I wonder now if there really was a happy ad. lol
To make a long story short, things took a serious turn last week and yes, thanks to my auntie's comment yesterday I guess the cat is out of the bag.
I'm getting married tomorrow to the boy with one green eye and one blue eye. To my first love. And I can't stop smiling. It feels so good to let this out finally.
When I told my aunt she asked me "How long have you known him?"
"Forever." I said.

Intros

I done this blog , or somewhat similar to it on 360 because I wonder who reads this nonsense.
First off let me introduce you to my quaint little friends list here.

Alissa's Head- Alissa is a young single mother from Salt Lake City...she hardly blogs here or on 360 as much as she used to. Why because she is a lurker and a half and she is also going to school to be a nurse, working part time for her dad, raising a toddler and sassy young girl and on top of that she just lost 60 pounds. When I was on 360 she was the first person ever to comment on my blog that I didn't know and probably the reason i continued to blog publicly....just to see her type "That's funny." :) Hi Alissa!

Caffiene & Confusion-This is a close blog friend from Connecticut. A real stand up family man with a GREAT sense of humor. He don't blog here, but I keep him on my list just in case he ever does.

Doridae's Corner-Doridae is Kat...mother of 4 and one strong woman. Her two youngest are at home and her blogs are like watching the Discovery Channel. I learned so much about nature, sea life and such from her. Oh and I can't forget tidepooling. She just moved from Southern Cal to the desert in New Mexico and I wonder if she is jonesing for a tidepool. HI KAT!

Dreaming Up Daisy-One of the only persons I know from the left in the land of WalMArt. Mother of one and honest as hell....I met her on 360 as well as everyone above but she does have a blog here worth checking out. Hi Sister Daisy.

Josie2shoes-One of the only one I know who reads me from the newspaper. She started a blog called Picking Up The Pieces, which is a view into her newly single life at what she calls the "halfway" point....Hi Josie.

Missy-Missy from Down Under....Missy is Fran who does not have a pet kangaroo so don't ask her. I met Missy via 360 also and she has about 117 blogs.....and I am catching up to her lol. Hi Missy.

Peeking through weary eyes-JohnB I met, I explained a while ago...his blogs are about his bus travels, very detailed...sometimes poetic and funny. I thought I was the only one who was so observant while riding public transportation. I miss public transportation. Hi John.

Stealing Kitty-Stealing Kitty is Rachel...and Courtney...a combined blog of two queer girls in love. I met them both on 360, have them both on myspace and if anyone knows them, knows how honest and in your face they can get. Which along with excellent writing makes a great read from either of them. One of my favorite blogs is from Courtney's 360 about riding the train. Hi Rachel!

Webby's Web-Webby's Web is Veronica...did I spell that right. From Canada, although not originally. I love her quaint blogs about her small town in the north and a whiz at paint shop pro. Hi Lake-Flurries/Webby.

So that is who I read here...I met most on 360. You can read any of the above by clicking on their names in the left column...under places I lurk.

So here is what my blog is about today....introduce yourself.
Like as if you was at a meeting, you know those kind of conferences you hate where people make you "stand up and tell a few things about yourself."
I am doing this because after yesterday's blog my Aunt Nellie called me and said "WHO IS IT? ARE YOU IN LOVE? TELL ME MORE! TELL ME MORE!"
I thought she was going to break out in that song from Grease...so I thought she didn't read me, or never knew and here I find out she is a lurker too!
So let me start this off and if I already told your life history up there...tell us something petty and whatever I didn't reveal about you. Here's my intro:

"Hi My name is Dana...Um I have 4 kids and 4 cats...yes I know crazy cat lady in the making. I love cooking...sometimes , despise feet and secretly dig the Bee Gees. Um, that's all for now....thank you."

Now if you read me and don't comment....here's your chance to quit being so damn shy! *hintAuntiehint*

hmmm

Just last week I wrote about being in your 30's and wondering what was next and my how things can change in one week.
I am not sure I am ready to share it yet, so I will just reflect on the past.
there were many time in my past when all I cared about was being loved. By a man.
It started in high school and continued until I thought someone did love me and I loved him.
Well let's start at the beginning, i grew up as a child of divorce, as most people did. My heart was broke without my daddy. Then my mom married Behshid who was wonderful, loving and inspirational in my youth. Then he was gone. Next came my step-dad Robert....who bless him put up with my turbulent, rebelling pre-teen and teen age years.
Now I never been in therapy or talked to a counselor (because I don't need it) but I am sure they would say that this past always made me feel the need to fill a void in my life by falling in love over and over again.
It started in high school with my first boyfriend, I did love him and always ended back up with him, until he switched schools and well something else happened.
I even put up with a man for 11 years through emotional and physical abuse because I thought he loved me.
After that I tried to proceed with caution and just recently ended a 6 month stint with the biggest loser, pathological liar, in the closet mama's boy I have ever met.
Still I proceed with caution...so much I may seem like a man hater...i really am not. I LOVE MEN! lol Especially Johnny Depp and Derek Jeter.
My brother and Dirty Steve always tease me that I will be single forever because I always tease their girlfriends when they do things for them, like scratch their back, fetch them a beer and such. Thats when the feminist in me comes out and rants "I won't be doing things like that for nobody." and so on.....

Then something happens and has me thinking twice ...and three, four times....
and smiling.

So yeah, here I am in my 30's just waiting to see what's next.